Nightmares of New Year
by Anime Borat
Summary: A crack series based on Episode 8. Rated T for language, violence, bad humor, suggestive themes and randomness. Sorry for the poor grammar at the first four chapters.
1. The Marriage of Kaorin

**Nightmares of New Year  
**

Disclaimer: Azumanga Daioh is the property of Kiyohiko Azuma and J.C. Staff. No copyright infringement intended. This crack series is based on Episode 8. Welcome to Nightmare Zone, reader.

**The Marriage of Kaorin****

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**Kaorin found herself inside a church cathedral. It was ornate with classical art from the ceiling to the floor and up to the stained glass windows. The pews were decorated with flowers and lenins. Seated there are the school's students and their parents, and random guest dressed in their best formal clothes. But what got her attention were her friends in long beautiful white dresses and veils. They are holding bouquets of flowers in their hands. She looked at them and was amazed by how gorgeous they looked. She looked at Sakaki and she almost fainted. Her friend seems to give of an angelic glow and, well, they all do! She looked at Chiyo and she's in a wedding dress too. This bothers Kaorin. _She's too young to be married!_, she thought.

"Hey, guys, you all look awesome!" she said excited, "But why is Chiyo in a wedding dress?"

"Don't you know, Kaorin?! We're getting married!" shouted the wildcat Tomo.

"But Chiyo's too young! And whom are you getting married to, anyway!?" she demanded.

"Oh, a special arrangement, and the groom's on the altar already." Said Yomi in a happy and matter-of-factly tone. Kaorin looked at the figure looming at the altar. He was wearing a white tuxedo which consisted of a tailcoat, waistcoat and white pants. The only thing of any other color is his black tie and shoes. But what caught her eye is his face. He wears round glasses and a gaping mouth. It's none other than Kimura-sensei!

"WHAT! You're getting married to this guy!?"

"Correction, Kaorin. WE all are getting married to him." Chiyo excitedly said. The next thing she knew she was holding flowers and in a wedding dress.

"NOOOOOO! THIS CAN"T BE HAPPENING!" she started to hyperventilate and an organ is playing Richard Wagner's _Bridal Chorus_. The girls, except Kaorin, begin marching down the aisle to meet their soon-to-be husband. Kaorin feels she's about to lose her mind then someone gently touched her shoulders.

"Calm down, Kaorin. This is the most exciting moment in your life." She said reassuringly. The terrified teenage bride looked back and freaked out. It was Mrs. Kimura and she's wearing a long sleeveless lavender dress! So as her best friend, Chihiro, and Kurusawa-sensei. This has turned into a surrealistic nightmare. Mrs. Kimura is holding her veil and train. Chihiro and Kurusawa-sensei are holding the trains and veils of the others and following them down the aisle.

"AREN'T YOU MARRIED TO HIM!?" she screamed. She sweetly answered, "Why, yes. But my husband had confessed to me how he loved you all so dearly that he wants to marry you. So I helped him open up to all of you and you accepted his proposal."

"PROPOSAL!? What are you talking about!?" Then she had a flashback where she and her friends are walking home and they encountered the teacher, kneeling in the ground and offering them seven rings in boxes.

"Will you marry me?" he asked dramatically. There was a pause but the girls slowly smiled in delight.

"Yes, Kimura-sensei. We will marry you." they answered. Except Kaorin.

The flashback's over and she yelled, "OH CRAP! HOW THE HELL DID I GET A FLASHBACK!?"

"Don't worry, my soon-to-be fellow wife, I will help you all in your wedding night. And by the way, my name's Kasumi" Mrs. Kimura cheerily said. With that Kaorin walked nervously down the aisle. There were cameras clicking everywhere which doesn't help her anxiety. Now the moment of truth has arrived. The moment she becomes one of the creepy sensei's wives, together with her friends. Adding to this hallucinogenic trip out are Kimura's daughter and Chiyo's ex-classmates, Miruchi and Yuka-chan, being the flower girls spreading their payload of flowers all around. Kaorin feverishly stepped forward and saw two more people in the altar. One of them is their English teacher, Yukari-sensei, dressed in priestly garments and the other is their male classmate, Masaaki Ohyama, who's standing by Kimura's side. He is evidently the best man and held the rings. The girls assembled in a loose arc around the altar. Yukari begins officiating the wedding and Yomi was the first to step forward.

"Kimura, do you take Koyomi 'Yomi' Mizuhara as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" announced Yukari.

"I do," he answered, his face beaming with genuine bliss.

"And Yomi, do you take Kimura as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?"

"I do," She answered calmly and blissfully.

Masaaki took out the rings and handed one of them to the teacher. He took one engraved with Yomi's name and said, "Please, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity."

She answered, "I take this as a sign of my love and faithfulness." He puts the rings in her finger and there were cheering and clapping all around. Kaorin's eyes went blank, her mouth gaping in shock, and she felt the life drain from her body._ WHY DID YOU MARRY THAT BASTARD, YOMI!? WHY?!!!!!_

"And you may kiss the bride." Cocluded Yukari. Yomi and Kimura kissed--on the lips. She then stepped out and rejoined her fellow brides. Kaorin thought,_ I think I'm gonna be sick._ There was a pause and Tomo kicked ever smiling Osaka's heel, signifying that she's next. She stopped day dreaming and smiled more. She approached the altar. Yukari officiates the wedding and Kimura exchanges his wedding vows to Osaka.

"And Osaka, do you take Kimura as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" asked Yukari. Osaka just smiled and her eyes are staring into some invisble being. Kimura sweatdrops and Yukari repeated the question, her voice a little annoyed. No answer and Yukari's core brain temperature has just risen OVER 9000!!!

"OSAKA, ARE YOU GONNA MARRY HIM OR NOT!?" she screamed in frustration and her eyes glowed red. Osaka snapped back to reality and said, "Ohhh, sure I do." Masaaki gave to Kimura Osaka's ring and Kimura puts it in her finger.

"Wait. Do rings go on the left hand or right hand? If on the right hand, which finger do put the rings on? The thumb or the middle-?" she absentmindly asked.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER! JUST REPEAT WHAT YOMI HAD JUST SAID!" shouted Yukari in her over 9000 self. Osaka replied, "Oh, right." She did and...

"You may kiss the bride." Said Yukari, who sighed in relief. Kimura had to carry her to kiss her. Kaorin flips out in at this non sequiter. She said to wryly herself, "Osaka would mary this guy anytime at any age and wouldn't even know it." Then came Kagura's turn. This was totally unexpected for Kaorin, who is undergoing color failure. Kagura the athlete is about to marry the man who peeks at her during swimming class and when she's taking her measurements at the clinic. And now that guy is gonna get what he wants from her.

"Kagura, You're marrying him!?" she screamed. Kagura answered, "Duh, Kaorin. He proposed to me. Don't get yourself all worked out."

"BUT WHY!?"

Kagura the tomboy, slowly shone with Bishie Sparkle and Luminescent Blush which makes her more womanly. "He saved my life," she softly said. Then Kaorin had a flashback of them at the waterpark where everyone is enjoying summer and Kimura was watching perversely from the crowd as usual. Kagura was so excited to swim that she forgot to do her warm ups so while she was swimming at the deepest part of the pool she got cramps. She suddenly thrashed her arms wildly in the water and is sinking fast.

"Hey, look at Kagura, she's doing the drowning man!" shouted Tomo who was the first to spot her. But her friends aren't impressed. They're completely mortified!

"C'mon guys! Let's save her!" shouted Yomi as she pushes Tomo aside and into the pool to make way. But the pool is crowded and no one seems to notice the drowning Kagura. But then Kimura, noticing the danger, leaped up from the crowd and jumped into the middle of the pool. There was a splash and everyone looked the direction where Kimura...splashed. Then he popped out of the water with Kagura in his arms. He swims to the other side of the pool and lays her down carefully on the floor. He turned her head to drain water from her mouth and performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He checks her pulse and begins the cycle again. Kagura starts breathing and she saw the face of her savior, the perv Kimura.

"T-T-Thank you. You saved me," she awkwardly said. He modestly answered, "It's nothing, really."

"Yay! Daddy's a hero!" cheered his daughter. Flashback's over. Kaorin shouted, "I gotta stop having random flashbacks!" Kagura's turn is over. And now Tomo's turn has began.

"...until death do you part?" asked Yukari.

"You bet, Yukari-sensei!" she excitedly said.

"That's Father Yukari to you, Tomo!" corrected Yukari.

"Oh yeah," she awkwardly said. Kimura puts in her ring and they exchanged vows of fidelity.

"And you may kiss the bride." Yukari concluded. And Tomo and Kimura embraced and held each other's heads so closely that it almost touched their faces for a while. They paused for a second and they kissed--_FRENCH KISSED_! Kaorin's mind screamed, _TOMO, YOU'RE SUCH A SLUT! AND A CORNY ONE AT THAT! _

She asked her, trying to grapple her rage, "W-W-Why the hell did you marry that guy?"

She came behind her and, with a catlike smirk and eyes narrowing mischeivously, lecherously whispered, "'Cause I wanna get laid with him." That confirms her suspicions and makes her more angry. She gave off a demonic aura and her eyes turned red._ You think it's joke, Tomo. We're gonna be deflowered in no time!_ She snapped out when Chiyo came up the altar. _DON'T! CHIYO-CHAN! SAY NO! SAY NO! SAY NO!_ But there is nothing on her face that says she was unhappy or scared. It was glowing with happiness, which made it creepy, and she was moving unhurried to the altar with all dignity. He approached him and...

"Don't do it, Chiyo! Don't tie the knot with him!" she frantically shouted.

"Don't worry, Kaorin. You'll get your turn," she happily said, "Isn't it fun that where all getting married together."

"WITH THAT CREEP!?," Kaorin snapped.

"He's not creepy. He's just misunderstood." Chiyo smiled.

"THIS IS INSANE! DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SENSE ANY MORE!?"

Kasumi Kimura noticed that Kaorin is about to crack so she calls two of the wedding guest, Mion Sonozaki and Rena Ryuugu to restrain her.

"Mion, Shion, please help Kaorin. She's about to faint." she sweetly called. With that Rena and Mion rushed to her and grabbed the panicky schoolgirl's arms. They injected into her arm some sedative. It calmed her down but not her mind. She was watching Chiyo and Kimura exchanged vows with horror and her heart beating so loudly so fast that she couldn't hear them. Her vision blurred but she can see Kimura picking up her short classmate to kiss her. It seems that things couldn't get any worst before her came up. The sedative wore off and Chiyo is back. But happened next hit poor Kaorin like a sledgehammer: Sakaki's next! _NOOO! _The tall, dark and bishoujo girl that worships so much is about to be wed to the creep that watches her during his class. In fact Sakaki exudes so much beauty that she resembles a maiden about to be sacrificed to a monster. In this case it is _all too true_. Sakaki step forward and...

"Sakaki! Why are you doing this!?" Sakaki looked back and saw Kaorin, who was shaking with horror.

"Kaorin, what's wrong?" She calmly asked.

"Y-You're marrying him, too?" She stammered," But why?"

"You see, Kaorin," she serenely smiled, "It's a long story." She then explained about how she encountered Kimura. One afternoon shile she was going home she saw Kamineko in it's usual perch on the wall. Always the eternal optimisit that she is with cats, she tried to touch it but as usual the evil gray cat bit her. However, it wasn't the usual bites that it dishes out to her. Kamineko was biting her hand very violently. Sakaki, screaming loudly, fell on the ground and tried to shake off the stray cat off but it dug its claws deep into her hand and wrist. Her hand is bleeding badly and she tried prying Kamineko but the cat only clinged harder and bit her more. She struggled until Kimura sensei appeared. He grabbed her wrist and pried the cat loose. He grabbed Kamineko and threw it away. She looked at Sakaki, teary eyed from the violent struggle, and picked her up. She picked up her handerkerchief with her good hand and wiped her face.

"Do you have any first aid?" He asked her. She shook her head.

"I'll take you to your house. You must have first aid."

"Thank you, Kimura sensei." She replied. He then wrapped her bloody hand with his own handkerchief and supported her by putting her arm on his shoulder as she took to home. It was empty but not for long, Sakaki's parents arrived home from buying groceries. There he explained what happened as he treats Sakaki's wounds. Her parents were so happy that one teacher happened to be there for their daughter when she was in need but where skeptical due rumors of his obsession for very young girls. The next day Sakaki did not go home immediately but did something else: she went to Kimura's house. She told her parents that she was going to Kagura's house to help her with something. She arrived and rang the doorbell. It opened and she saw Kimura and his beautiful wife. She sat with them at the living room and realized where his obsession stems from. He used to draw nude sketches when he was in high school and Mrs. Kimura was his model. It usually takes place from the prying eyes of the outside world. For him high school girls are the perfect models for nude art: beautiful and untouchable. Now Sakaki understood about why he developed it.

"That's the whole story, Kaorin." She explained. Now Kaorin's fear-o-meter has risen to OVER 9000! She couldn't take anymore this insanity. She looked all around as if looking for a way out.

"And you're parents let him have you're hand!?" she shouted.

"Yes." Sakaki answered. Kaorin hyperventilates in fear. She coudn't stand watching and listening to the unthinkable. But she tried salvage the situation.

"Don't do it, Sakaki! You only know what he wants you to know! He's gonna do things to you that you wouldn't even _dream of_!!!" she pleaded. But too late! Everything is under way.

"...Until death do you part?" Yukari asked.

"I do." Sakaki answered. Kimura gently puts a ring on her finger and they exchange vows of fidelity and they.._.KISSED_. But the 'I do' is enough to mentally send Kaorin spiraling downward and the kiss was the finisher. She recalled Kimura's laugh from the sports fest where she went from heaven to hell when she changed partners during the dance. _No, Sakaki. Why did you do this? Why are you giving in to him? Don't you know there's more than nude sktches in his mind?_

_"_Kaorin...Kaorin...Kaorin." Sakaki calmly called. "It's your turn. The poor girl finally snapped out from her near breakdown... and realized that she is next!

She moves limply with fear written all over her face. She is frightened as hell as Mikuru. She steps in front of the grinning face in front of her. Now it seems like the end of her.

"Kimura, do you take Kaori Aida as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Asked Yukari.

"I DO!" shouted Kimura as he pumps his fist into the air in jubilation oblivious to a frightened Kaorin, who visibly shaking from those words.

"And Kaorin, do you take Kimura as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?" Yukari enquired. The bride shook and whimpered. Yukari looked annyoed. She called out again and nothing came from her mouth. Cross popping veins appeared no her head.

"C'mon, Kaorin, I don't have all day!" She angrily said.

"Yeah, Kaorin!" shouted Tomo," We wanna throw the flowers already!"

"Don't worry, Kaorin," comforted Yomi," You can do it."

Everyone is waiting for Kaorin to tie the knot so they can continue with everything. Especially Tomo and Kagura who are itching their hands to throw their bouqets at the already agititated bridesmaids minus Nyamo, Chihiro and Kasumi Kimura who are crowding and murmuring like the seagulls from _Finding Nemo_ and hoping they scored a direct hit on their heads. Kaorin is confused. She so does not want to marry this perverted freak but what's she gonna do? But then she remembered what Mrs. Kimura said. _'Don't worry, my soon-to-be fellow wife, I will help you in your wedding night'_. She thought, _Wait a minute, you're like him too!?_ It dawned to her that his saccharin sweet and seemingly innocent wife is actually..._No! I'm not going down like this!_ She resolved. Now she finally found the courage. _I'm sorry you guys! I'm sorry Sakaki! But I can't go with him!_ Kaorin must act now.

"KAORIN!! What are you waiting for!?" Shouted Yukari, who's pissed. Kaorin's eyes are obscured by her bangs but she's not scared anymore. She shouted, "NO! I WILL NOT MARRY YOU YOU!" The groom, the brides, the best man, the three bridesmaids gasped and the guest gasped and rose from their seats in shock. Kaorin was

She continued on,"Everybody! Don't be decieved! This man here is a horrible pervert! He watches us at the pool when were getting swimming lessons! HE keeps a flower garden of me and him even if I don't-"

"And he slipped a ring into your finger." Yukari slyly noted. Kaorin looked at her finger and saw the ring on her right hand... and in her ring finger. She shreiked and grunted as she frantically tried pull it out but it's stuck. Dumbfounded, she tried pulling harder and harder but it was no use.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?"

Kimura beamed and said, "You've always been the feisty one so I slipped it in." then he shouted, "AND IT'S A SIGN!"

"WHAT!?"

"WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER, WOHOO!" He pumps his fists into the air in triumph and jumps up and down.

"ARRRGGGHHHHH!" Kaorin screams her head off, lifts her skirt a bit and runs from the altar but Sakaki stops her.

"Kaorin, whats wrong." She asked trying to calm her friend down. The panicky fangirl looked at her, her eyes bulged, pupils widen and cried a river of tears, LITERALLY. "I'm sorry, Sakaki. But I can't go with him. I'll help you somehow." Kaorin sobbed and planted a kiss on her friend's cheeks then goes on running past the suprised wedding guest until Sephiroth and Arthas jumped in front of her.

"Cease and desist your pathetic flight, foolish young maiden!" Arthas accosted then pulls out Frostmourne.

"Do not dare ruin our schadenfruede moment, puny little bride! This is better than Happy Tree Friends and Annoying Orange!" Sephiroth bellowed brandishing Masamune. Kaorin raged. She's not gonna two game villains cut her off from freedom.

"BRING IT ON YOU ALBINO BITCHES!" She roared then grabs the nearest flower stand. The two gave out haughty evil laughter when they saw this.

"How ironic. I whacked a small girl who sells flowers and carries a stick and now I'm gonna do it again on you!"

"And I for one killed an elf woman who's annoying like you and made her my slave! Now I'll knock you out for that sensei to drool on you!"

"Actually she manage to break out of your former master's control and shoot an arrow up your ass." Sephiroth corrected.

"SHUT UP, SEPH! Don't you dare bring that up again!" Arthas yelled and then frowned. "Great! You ruined my finest villain moment!"

"Relax, Arthy. I'm just setting the record straight."

"'Set the record straight'. That's rich for someone decides to become a god! And at least I come from a family, test tube boy!" Arthas retorted.

"Oh yeah! At least I have no dad to kill and don't spend time freezing my ass off on an ice block and being a corpse king!" Seph rapidly shot back. Stalin scolded the two,"Why don't you both get this over with or I'll have you shot!" The villains finally shut up.

"TIME FOR A STUN BLOW!" They shouted in unison as they jumped up, raised their swords and tried to struck Kaorin from above but she blocked the blows with her flower stand and pushed the blades away. She then jammed both ends of the stand in their crotches and they dropped the blades and knelt in pain, covering their busted eggs. She frontflipped, did a double mid-air somersault, and spun it like baton, whipping their heads in a pinwheel of pain. She gracefully landed on the floor and rushed to Seph and landed a blow squarely on the top of his head. She went beside Arthas the fallen prince and did a baseball batting to the back of his head. She earned a Double Villain Bash achievement and ran on until Bolshevik Red Party Chairman Great and Glorious Comrade Commie Tsar Joe Stalin and his disciple/wannabee Imran Zakhaev blocked her.

"Miss Aida," said the dictator with a scary sneer, "I'd like you to meet-" But Kaorin unleashed MW2's RPD Rapid Fire Extended Magazine Akimbo FMJ Grenadier w/ Masterkey Shotgun plus the Stopping Power perk on the sadist and the wannabee and afterwards used the Predator Missile, Precision Airstrike, Harrier Strike, Attack Helicopter, Pave Low, AC-130, and Chopper Gunner perks on them before she fired double RPGs that sent them flying and screaming, "MAMAMIA!" before they crash through the stained glass window above the door. She dashes out then stopped by Borat Sagdiyev.

"In Kazakhstan, the men from the wedding are encouraged to stop the screaming bride from running away on her wedding and girls your age and younger make the finest brides." Said the crazy journalist with satisfaction. Kaorin quickly grabbed the nearest flower stand and shouted, "GO SCREW YOUR GOAT YOU INBRED RETARD!"

She bashed it into his crotch and he kneels in pain. She bats his face and runs away. Borat shouts to Azamat Bagatov as he writhes on the floor in pain covering his crotch, "AZAMAT! That crazy schoolgirl wrecked my khram!" His fat friend comes and helps him up. She then beats up Kefka, the metrosexual homoerotic Harlequin-like clown and Revolver Ocelot, who resembles Imran and even loses his arm one time. She ran and she's about reach the door to freedom. But a figure came into sight and looms at the doorway. It's Yukari. Kaorin stopped and hesitated while she looked at the crossed-armed and visibly angry teacher.

"Please let me go, Yukari-sensei. Please let me go if you still have any decency left." Kaorin begged.

"And what!? Ruin my chance to have free food and alcohol!? I don't think so, Mrs. Kimura!" Yukari replied. Kaorin screamed and tried to sprint by her but the teacher quickly grabbed her with both arms. She then carried the screaming and struggling bride on the side like a futon and walked to the altar triumphantly. "NO!NO! PLEASE NO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! I DON"T WANT HIM! I NEVER WANTED HIM! PLEASE ME GO!" She sobbed, screamed and struggled as the teacher gets closer and closer to the altar, her footsteps getting louder and Kimura's maniac laughter echoes throughout the cathedral.

* * *

Kaorin suddenly woked up from her dream in cold sweat. She looked around her room and let out a sigh of relief. She said "It was...just a dream. I'm glad that's over." But there was a tapping on the window.

"Hello, Kaorin-chan!" Cheered a grinning Kimura who was flying outside, his big bat wings flapping loudly. Kaorin saw that he his lower body is missing and she sees his junk hanging out from his upper torso. She screamed and woke up again then her parents rushed in.

"Kaorin, what's wrong her mother asked. She looked at them and shouted, "Mom! Dad! Let me sleep with you tonight!

* * *

Enjoy the Nightmare.

I'm sorry if I made some of the characters OOC. Especially Tomo, who I wrote off as kissing Kimura deliciuosly and it's certainly OOC for her but this is Kaorin's nightmare.

Special guest appearances of Arthas, Kefka, Sephiroth, Mion and Rena, Revolver Ocelot, Imran Zakhaev and Borat.

Kimura with bat wings and half body is a reference to the manananggal, a ghoul and vampire like creature in Philippine folklore that can divide itself in search for prey.

Looking forward to the next nightmare.


	2. Butterball Yomi's Fat Tuesday

**Butterball Yomi's Fat Tuesday**

Poor Tearful Little Diet Girl. Food's just too good which leads to instant obesity. Besides, there will be a Tordora cameo**. No copyright violations intended!  
**

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**Yomi Mizuhara woke up one fine morning. It seemed like a refreshing day to start school. Suddenly, her stomach growled like a lion. Looks like she gonna start day the like she always do… eat breakfast. She first makes her bed; take bath; change into her uniform; and prepare her things before she steps down to eat. She looks into the dining room and sees her parents are already seated.

"Ohayo, Mom. Ohayo, Dad." She greets her parents as she takes a seat.

"Ohayo, Yomi." Her parents chimed, "You're up early." Her mom noted.

"Yeah, I just want to get to school early, Mom." She happily replied.

"Before you leave, try your mother's breakfast. It's the best in the house." Her dad happily boasted as he read today's newspaper. Yomi looked at the table and it's laden with all sorts of hearty delights. She thought, _No kidding, Dad!_ She takes her plate and bowl and starts hefting them up. And she eats all that's offered with gusto: delicious _natto _beans that resemble pork n' beans, heartwarming _miso_ soup, tasty cold raw eggs resting on a bed of hot steamed rice with _nori_, grilled fish, rice porridge with pickled plums, rolled omelet, and much more. She was eating to her heart's content when her mom said, "Wow! You sure do have big appetite."

"Yeah, I do. I never realized how food was this good until now."

"Uh… Yomi… Look at the time." Her dad said with concern, pointing to the clock.

"Oh man, I'm late!" She said quickly, "I gotta go. Thanks for the food, Mom. Bye, Dad!" She quickly grabbed her bag and went straight for the door.

"Uh… You're…welcome…" Said her sweat dropping parents as they confusedly scan the now empty table; she had eaten all the food. She picked up the pace to school and joined her friends. "Hey, everyone, wait for me!" Shouted Yomi.

Tomo saw her and shouted, "Hey, guys! Yomi's here!" She is sprinting like in a marathon trying to catch up with her friends. She finally slowed down to a walk beside them, catching her breath.

"Hey, Yomi. Nice that you made it." Tomo said cheerily.

"Yeah, I thought I'd never meet you guys." Yomi panted as she wiped the seat of her forehead.

"What kept you, Yomi?" Kagura asked. Yomi smiled proudly and answered, "I had an amazing breakfast this morning. My mom cooked me a grand banquet."

"So much for your dieting, 'A' Yomi. You're gonna gain thirty pounds in a minute." Tomo quipped sarcastically with a catlike smirk. Yomi frowned, "Hey, you have to at least give yourself a treat, you know!"

"Sheesh, Yomi, can't take you a joke. And also face the fact that all your diets will never work-"

"DOUBLE CHOP!" Shouted Yomi as she tries to hit Tomo with her powerful move but she dodged it like a fly. "WHOA! That was close-!"

Kagura cut in, "Hey, knock it off, you guys. We're gonna be late." With that Tomo and Yomi stopped fighting. Everyone arrived in school just in time. She asked Chiyo as they changed their shows for slippers. "What day is it today, Chiyo-chan?"

Chiyo answered happily, "Today's Tuesday, Yomi-san." They made their way to the classroom.

"Class, start your quiz!" announced Yukari. And everyone started pushing pencils and Yomi noticed that most parts of the quiz make references to food, which made her hungry. She couldn't focus on the test; sweat gathered on her forehead as she tries to give answers to the items; her stomach starts to growl and random food images parade in her mind. She puts an arm her increasingly painful stomach in vain effort to ease the pain. She finally got the test right and finishes it. She passes it to Yukari, who notices her sweaty, contorted face. She said, "Miss Mizuhara. Are you okay?"

Yomi struggled to answer, "I'm fine, Yukari-sensei."

"You don't look so good. Do want to see the nurse's office?"

Yomi looked down on the test papers. She thought _they looked so good; they almost always talk about food._ She faced the teacher and said, "No, I'm really fine. Thanks for your concern, Yukari-sensei." She went back to her seat. She felt worried about her strange hunger. _This is the strangest Tuesday she ever had._

After English came Math, which didn't help either for the problem solving lessons used food for examples. Then Kimura's subject, Classical Japanese, and it only aggravated her predicament since the poem for the day praises rice cakes. Kimura then called her to recite the poem. Yomi stood up and held her textbook. She looked into it and the words made her mouth water. She couldn't say anything. Kimura noticed this, "Miss Mizuhara, is there anything wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong." She answered, sweatdropping.

"Then please recite the selection. " Yomi tried to recite but she heard her stomach growl. She tried to skip, "Kimura-sensei, I don't think I can do it..."

"If you're embarassed about reciting it on your own, we can recite it together in front of the class." Kimura replied with a smile. Yomi tried again but her stomach twisted and turned. There was a pause for a few seconds.

"Yomi," Kimura finally said sweetly, "Maybe I can help you-"

"I'M GONNA SEASON YOU IN SALT AND PEPPER, DUST YOU IN FLOUR, SOAK YOU IN EGG BATTER, ROLL YOU IN BREAD CRUMBS, FRY YOU IN HOT OIL, DIP YOU IN SWEET-AND-SOUR SAUCE AND EAT YOU WHILE I HEAR YOU SCREAM!" Yomi growled and laughed wickedly, baring her shark-like teeth and glowing red eyes. Kimura felt the life drained out of him. He straightened his back, "Class...dismissed." He said slowly and feebly. He limply left the room and a full 15 seconds later there was uproarious cheering, now that class was cut short.

Only PE helped her or so it seems. Her hunger is so strong that she ran passed a puzzled Sakaki during track and field. The girls cheered, "Wow! You beat Miss Sakaki-"

But she rushed through them like an out of control bowling ball on her way to the locker room, sending them flying, just in time for lunch. On her way to the canteen, she noticed a bundle of papers lying on the floor. She looked at them and noticed that they are Yukari's test papers. She must have dropped them on her way to the faculty. She picked them up with the intention of returning them to their owner but her hunger pangs started again. In order to satisfy them for the moment, she did the unthinkable: she rolled them into bundles and ate them. She bit and munched to her heart's content; munching on the thick white sheets; she tore chunks way with her teeth until she ate the last piece. She licked her fingers with gusto and liked the taste. _My God, whoever thought paper tasted that good! _She thought, but with a spark of realization. _Oh crap, I gotta get to lunch._ She rushed to the lunch to meet her friends. She sees her friends already seated in their favorite table.

"Hey, Yomi!" Tomo shouted, "You scared the hell out of Kimura back there. He must have wished he changed class schedules."

"Wow, Yomi-san," Chiyo said, "You really ran that fast. We'd never expected you to outpace Sakaki-san."

Sakaki smiled modestlyand said softly, "Yomi, I was quite suprised by you back at the field."

Yomi's face reddened and answered, "Well... I guess I didn't know my my own strength!" She laughed nervously. Meanwhile, Kaorin is going nuts over her food. _I'm gonna kill, Yomi. I'm gonna kill you for beating Miss Sakaki!_ She thought while she tried to repress her aggressive fangirl rabidness. Everyone starts eating their lunches. Yomi finished hers in a few seconds and then she burps.

"Wow, Yomi," Kagura said, suprised, "You must be very hungry today."

"See! I told you! You're diets will never work!" Squealed Tomo.

"Shut up, Tomo-!" But before she could finish her sentence, she glanced at the bentos of her friends. Her mouth watered again as she saw their colorful viands. She sweated profusely as she tries to control her primal impulse. Her mind is echoing conflicting orders:_ Don't eat, Yomi. Control yourself. Don't let your hunger win out_ and _Give youself a treat, Yomi. You know you want to. You deserve a break today! _Finally, she gives in to her hunger. It's about to explode very soon...

"Yomi...Yomi...Yomi...," Kagura called out as she waved a hand in front her blank face, "Are you alright?"

Tomo shouts into her ear, "HEY YOMI, ARE YOU IN THERE!" Yomi slowy shook, clearly agitated. Her friends are distressed.

"Yomi-san...?" Chiyo asked cautiously, "Are...you...feeling alright?" Yomi suddenly jumped on the table and shouted, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I MUST EAT! I'M STARVIN'!" She snatches the unfinished bentos of her confused-looking friends. First Chiyo's, then Kaorin's, next came Tomo's and Kagura's, finally Sakaki's and swallows them whole with the box one by one. Kaorin raged at the last part.

"Hey, no one eats Miss Sakaki's bento and gets away with it!" Kaorin shrieked rapidly. Yomi turned and Kaorin shuddered. She had a demonic shark tooth grin and a reddish black aura to match.

"Gotta problem with it!" She growled menacingly with a hint of evil happiness from her eyes. The startled fangirl backed away in horror and muttered, "N-N-No, n-n-not at all."

"GOOD!" And Yomi's stomach growled loudly. "NOT ENOUGH NUTRITION! I MUST EAT MORE!"

She dashes off from the table and announces with a smile,"First, the appetizer!" She broke through the wall of hungry lining students and...the canteen wall. She charged to the school cooperative.

"Good noon, fellow student," said one of the students on duty, "What do you want today?"

"I WANNA EAT!" Belllowed Yomi. The students screamed like little girls as she crashed into the store and ransacked it. She ate whole melon breads, yakisoba breads and whatever else she could find. She licked her fingers with satisfaction. "Now, the main course!" She cried as she rushes back to the canteen. The students where cleaning the mess left by Yomi's wall crash when she came back.

"ANYMORE FOOD!" She growled as she flew the doors wide open. The students screamed and ran for their lives when she appeared. She walked like the Terminator through the resulting pandemonium when the student council president, Sumire Kano, barged in.

"Koyomi Mizuhara, as the president of the student council, I order you cease and desist your eating rampage this instant!" She ordered through the megaphone right at her face.

"LIKE HELL I WILL!" Yomi responded then grabs the bitchy SC president by the face and throws her through the ceiling at high speed, which pierces through the floors of the three-storey building and finally the roof, leaving behind Sumire-shaped holes. With her gone, Yomi somersaults into the kitchen and crashes into it then starts eating all the food that's served there, jumping from pot to pot, digging in the edible goodness, stuffing her mouth with ramen, curry, croutons, etc. As she ate ravenously, she didn't notice her body expanding into something round, much to the horror of her friends, except Tomo who's watching everything with eagerness..

Meanwhile, the English teacher lost her temper when she lost her bundle of test papers; she got pissed further when she knew whet happened to them and followed the literally paper trail of crumbs to the canteen. Yukari rushed inside the canteen and behold to a sight never seen before in her life: A bloated Yomi the size of a Caterpillar bulldozer and getting bigger and bigger with every delicious morsel she ate. Her continued bingeing and swelling caused her to bulge through the ceiling, causing it to crack and some pieces of it to fall. Still she was too pissed off to even flinch.

"YOMI! What did I tell about eating my test papers-!" Shouted Yukari. But the bloated giant grabbed her with her stubby swollen hand and popped her into the mouth like a chocolate. She licked her lips in delight. But she felt some kicking movement inside her mouth. Yukari is screaming like crazy over this new development as she tried to get out. Yomi, who didn't mind, was smiling and about to chew when a shout came out...

"Yomi!" Shouted Nyamo, "Spit out that teacher!" That snapped her from her hunger-induced psychosis. Everything froze for a few seconds before restarting...when Yomi did what she was told, spitting out Yukari. She flew out of her mouth and hit the floor covered in saliva, sliding across it for a feet ten feet and grossing out everyone except the interested.

"Eww, that's disgusting!" Chihiro said, her face contorted in nausea. Kagura muttered, "Ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick."

Kaorin fainted; Chiyo threw up and Sakaki, her face also contorted, obligingly gives her a huge paper bag; Osaka just stared on in wide-eyed wonder. Tomo, at the height of her amusement, shouted with glee, "Oh wow! Yukari's covered in spit!"

Yukari slowly stood up in disbelief covered in the sticky dripping slime, "YUCK!" She turned and walked to Yomi, "YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY STRAIGHT A'S FROM ME THIS YEAR!"

Yomi looked at her friends below, "Hey guys, what... just happened?" She asked timidly. Nyamo step out and approached her, "Well, you see...you have, um, let's just say that-"

"Hey Yomi!" rang out Tomo, "You ate all the food and puffed up like a balloon!"

"WHAT!" Yomi half screamed as she grasped the meaning of the the wildcat's words. She look at her reflection on a bruised pot and was mortified... she turned into a cross of Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and Pillsbury Doughboy rejects.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" She yelped, "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!" The giant rolled on her belly, lowering her head to the level of a canteen table and literally cried a fountain of tears. Her stubby hands and feet are wiggling as she agonized about her new appearance(not to mention the pounds she accumulated in just 5 minutes of terror and mayhem).

"She's right, Yomi," Nyamo sadly said as she embraced the swollen head comfortingly, "You just got fat from your...aggressive feasting."

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO!" She cried ,"I CAN"T STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER!" Her screams are so loud that they cracked all the windows, glassware, and china of the school and everything within a twenty mile radius; momentarily deafening everyone nearby, who were writhing on the floor and covering their ears from the force and pain. She cried another twin fountain of tears. Everyone recovered from her weaponized shreik and stood up again.

"Don't worry, Yomi. We'll think of a way." Nyamo said, patting Yomi's head.

"You will?" Yomi sniffled.

"Yeah, Yomi!" Chimed Tomo, "We'll find a way in no time!"

"I say we leave this to the proper authorities, Tomo." The PE teacher faced her. She smiled nervously.

"We still gotta find a way to get her outta here first you know," Kagura suggested. Then everyone brainstormed for a possible solution to getting her out of the school. While they did, Yukari snucked behind Yomi with a plan of her own: she starts pouring cooking oil on the fatty.

"Uh, Yukari-sensei?" Asked a puzzled and visibly shaken Yomi, "What are you doing?"

"You'll see." She said sweetly then turns to Tomo, "Tomo, come here for a minute." She complied and Yukari whispered something in her ear.

"Yes, Yukari-sensei! I'll do it!" She runs out of the canteen at top speed.

"Um, Yukari," Nyamo asked as she sweat dropped, "What did you tell her?" But Yukari had gone back to Yomi again, this time she was heaving her at the butt. Her pushing caused Yomi to slide slowly over the oiled floor and slowly breaking the counter. The top part of her bulging body protruding through the ceiling is plowing the floor of the classroom above causing dust and small chunks of concrete to rain on the saliva-and-oil soaked teacher. Meanwhile above, Tomo is dumping chairs and other furntiture out the window to keep anything bigger than small concrete chunks from falling on the teacher. Anyone unfortunate enough to stand below that window had to dodge whatever the wildcat is throwing.

"That's nice, Yukari. But how are you going to bring her outside the school?" She asked her. Yukari turned to her colleague, "Just watch, Nyamo."

She called out to Tomo above, "Get down here!"

"Roger wilco!" She enthusiastically replied and slid down on Yomi's butt. Then they slid her back a little adjusting her to the middle of the hole created by the Tearful Little Diet Girl's bulge. Tomo took out a heavy-duty rope from nowhere and literally started orbiting Yomi, wrapping her in it like ball of yarn. Next, she climbed back up.

"_Ouch_! Hey, watch where your stepping on!" She complained as Tomo climbed on her face. Tomo looked down as she shouldered the remaining length of rope and slyly said with a catlike smirk, "Hey Yomi! You know what the say: 'No pain, no gain'!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE-!" But her friend had quickly climbed to the classroom and out the window. Meanwhile, Masaaki Ohyama came down the canteen to inform them of something.

"Hey everybody. The principal informed me that he was gonna-" And when he walked inside his jaw dropped in horror," HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF TOJO! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" An obese Yomi wrapped in rope inside a wrecked canteen resembling both the Gulag level of MW2 and the Nova Prospeckt chapter of HL2 was nothing anyone saw everyday, unless you count Saddam Hussien who didn't move his fat ass from playing COD4. Everyone turned to him.

"Ohyama, you see..." Nyamo awkwardly began, "Yomi got big." She added, "What was it you're going to say?"

"The principal called a construction company to see if we could get her out." He said, still recovering from the visual shock. Then everyone heard an engine revving up from the otuside. There the Yukari-mobile mobile is getting ready to roll as Tomo tied the rope on the bumper.

"READY TOMO!" Yukari shouted excitedly from the driver's seat with an evil smile. Tomo made some last minute checks and replied with a thumbs up, "ALL RIGHT, YUKARI! LET 'ER RIP!"

"GOOD!" She steps on the gas and shifts the gears from zero to a hundred in one second. The rope piled up in the room above started to whip around as the car pulled the entire length of it out the window. Yomi found herself being yanked by the sheer force of the tug. She slid and _BOOOOM!_

"_ARRRRRGGHHHHH!_" Yomi screamed as she burst through the wall like an angry Metal Gear on steroids. But Yukari miscalculated her pull: the tug pulled Yomi so strongly and suddenly that she is sent flying into the air, bouncing as she hits the ground. She yanked the Yukari-mobile into the air as she broke through the school wall, sending the teacher flying out of the car from the open driver's seat and into the swimming pool, the steering wheel still in hand. The car whipped through the air, landed on the street and exploding into a fireball. That wasn't all though.

The rope caught Tomo by the leg and now she's flying too. She flew into the sun and landing on the rolling Yomi ball. Tomo fortunately landed on her feet and started to move her feet in tandem with Yomi lest she gets crushed by her rolling body. Everyone who was left behind sweat dropped from the turn of events as they stared on in disbelief.

"So... you wanna skip school?" Ohyama finally asked as he looked at the gaping hole. Everyone nodded in agreement but then Kaorin woked up from the floor.

"Not so fast, everyone!" She giggled as she appeared in a sassy maid outfit. "You're not going anywhere until we cleaned up this mess!" She then dressed up everyone around in similar maid outfits including the boys. She orders them to start cleaning up the mess in the canteen despite the fact that the principal announced later that the school's gonna be closed for today...and for the next two weeks. At the same time , Nyamo fished Yukari from the pool.

"Woo! That was close," she coughed. Then she looked at her car...or what's left of it and turned to Nyamo with a leery smile, "Hey Nyamo. Looks like you're gonna pay for my car insurance." Her best friend faced punched her back to the pool in rage. Back to Tomo and Yomi...

"WHEEEEEE! This more fun than Dance Dance Revolution!" Tomo shouted as she foot-rolled Yomi across the city.

"MAKE IT STOP, TOMO! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" Yomi shouted in terror. They crushed al lot of things in the streets. They wrecked many houses and shops and nearly pancaked people along the way. Tomo madly navigated around the city when they came upon a hill and she rolled upward, Jack Sparrow style. They leaped from it, landed and run over something interesting.

Inside the bus carrying the Happy Tree Friends, everything is all gay and merry. They were talking about the start of their trip to Japan until a bloated bouncing schoolgirl appeared before them. Lumpy the moose at first thought they have nothing to worry about. The cuddly animals, however, panicked at the sight of the monstrosity coming towards them. Some begged Lumpy to steer while the more desperate jumped out of the bus. Handy got roadkilled by Takumi Fujiwara as he jumped out of the bus. Sniffles jumped right into a sewer only to be eaten by an oni. Disco Bear landed in the arms of Nabeshin, who throws back in the busy street thinking he was a scary stuffed toy. Lumpy, realizing only now the danger, tried to take steer out of the way but it was too late. Yomi rolled into the bus crushing it into a flattened piece of junk...and exploding afterwards with screaming survivors crawling out of the wreckage in flames.

They finally stopped at some warehouse. Yomi is crying like crazy from the worst Tuesday of her life. Tomo squealed, "Yay! Let's do it again!"

"I don't wanna do it again!" Yomi cried, "I wanna go back to normal!"

"There, there, Yomi." Tomo comforted as she puts an arm around her friend's swollen head. "Just look on the bright side of life. You'll make a great circus freak!"

"But I don't wanna be a freak! I just want my life backl! WAHAHAHA!"

"Now that mentioned it," Tomo rubbed her chin in deep thought, "I think were gonna do what you always do!"

"What?"

"Diet and exercise!"

"Is that a joke, Tomo!" Yomi raged, "You think it could bring my body back to normal!"

"Hey! You said you wanna go back to your old self, right!"

Yomi paused then whimpered, "Yes."

"Hmm. How about lipo!"

"Is it even safe for me?" Tearful Diet Little Girl cried, "At my condition?"

"Okay, you're right. There is one reliable solution!" She quipped. She then dug into her pocket and pull out something shiny...and sharp.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" Yomi frightfully yelled. Tomo replied ,"You wanted something quick and easy so..." drumroll, "I pulled out a needle!"

"BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!"

"It'll only hurt a bit. Trust me." Tomo reassured, "You'll be back to normal in no time." She approaches her with the needle.

"NO! PLEASE NO! STAY BACK, TOMO, STAY BACK!" She begged. _POP_!

* * *

Yomi woke from her nightmare. She looked around and gave a sigh of relief. But she was alarmed at the sight of a man dressed in ermine robes and wearing a crown seating by the window.

"Who are you?" She cautiously asked.

He replied in a benevolent booming voice, "I'm the Burger King!"

"What are you doing here?"

"I come to give a present." He offers her a cake-sized burger. Yomi shrieked high pitched. She finally waked up her room for real. She looks around to see if there if nothing's wrong. She goes to sleep, finally comforted that no freaky things will enter her mind.

* * *

MWAHAHAHAHA! You'll never look at food the same again!

Special thanks to ~mastafuu for his WAKE UP WITH THE KING from Deviant Art. It inspired me. And also to Toradaora's Sumire Kano.

Trivia: Both Azumanga Daioh and Toradaora are featured in the Monthly Manga Magazine Dengeki Daioh. And coincidently, the animes have almost the same length of episodes (Azumanga, 26; Toradaora, 25) and the girls' uniforms look almost the same but the main difference is color.(Which is why I added Sumire here, Hehehe!)

Coming up next. Popstars, Grim Reapers and New Sexy Yomi. Please R&R. It spurs me to carry on the pen of fandom!


	3. Wildcat Popstar and The Sexy Grim Reaper

**Wildcat Popstar and The Sexy Grim Reaper**.

It's a shame that fame sometimes last 15 minutes and not forever. So does life. And who said revenge is sweet again?

* * *

At the packed Nippon Budokan, the crowds shouted like crazy as she sang in her crazy wild style with her hit single, Poi Poi Peace. Tomo Takino, dressed like Rikku from _Final Fantasy X_, sang bouncing around the stage as she wooed her fans with her awesome performance.

_Poi poi PEACE se-no BANZAI!_

_Saikin MURI shiteru?_

_So, PEACE ya na koto wa_

_poi poi shichae…_

Everyone chanted her name in awe as a cascading crescendo of applause and loud cheering ended the concert in a bang. Her fans went wild and the concert was an explosive success. She celebrates it by jumping into the crowd, who catches her in their arms and carries her all around. Finally, she retires in her room. There she collapses in her chair and rest her eyes for a few minutes. Then she wakes up and sees a figure in front of her. It is swathed in black cloth all over the body except the face and even that is obscured by the shadow formed by the hood covering it. Tomo got startled by its sudden appearance; who knows what you can see in front of you after getting some shut eye for a few minutes. But she manages to get outraged as any celebrity over stalkers and paparazzi invading private space. She confronts the figure, "Hey! I don't know how you got here but you're gonna be in a world of trouble when I call security! Get outta here before I do!"

It did not answer for a while. Tomo got pissed, "Hey! Are you listening!"

The creature finally answered, "Hello, Tomo. I'm here for you."

Her eyes widened as she instantly recognized the voice, "Yomi?"

"That's right. It's me," she sweetly said peeling back the hood, "I kinda miss you."

"Whoa, I never knew you would get here! It's nice to see you again!" She jumps up from the chair, "I never thought you would come here!"

"Well, I'm here in the flesh." Yomi replied in a flirty new voice.

Tomo noticed her new voice but quickly cast it aside, "Wow, I thought you were some stalker. Anyway, how's life treating you?"

"Life wasn't very kind to me. But the afterlife was."

That quote puzzled her but, as always with Tomo, she quickly cast it aside. "What brings you here, Yomi?"

"I'm here on business." She answered.

"What kind of business?" The popstar impulsively asked.

"Collection." She cheerily replied. The popstar looks confused. She asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow, "Collection?"

"Yes." She answered again in that sweet cheery voice. Tomo seems a little puzzled by her voice. She asked again, "Collecting what?"

"Debts."

"Hey, I paid the bank already. You're knocking on the wrong door, Yomi!" Tomo sharply retorted. She thought about that flirty new voice of hers, _Man, her voice is starting to creep me out._

"But my superiors told me where to find you. This is the right place." Yomi replied demurely with a frown.

"Maybe it's some computer error. I'm gonna sue your company …" she looks at Yomi, who is clad in the black cloth. She smiles naughtily and says, "_Hey Yomi_. Why are you wearing a black shroud?"

The bespectacled girl is astonished and replied softly, "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play with me, _Yomi_. Your uniform doesn't fit so you drape yourself with a factory fabric. Have you put on…some weight!" She points a finger on Yomi.

"No, my dear Tomo, I haven't," She replied sexily.

"Don't try to act all sexy, Yomi. You're just hiding that fat butt of yours-"She rapidly attested as she grabbed the shroud. She swiped it, sending it flying in the air and unwrapping Yomi in a flash. But what she saw made her jaw drop. The wildcat expected a flabby bulging body but instead the Yomi she saw had a lithe and slender frame. It seemed to shine so brightly that Tomo screamed, "My eyes! You shine too brightly!"

She frantically covered her eyes from her friend's 'sparkling' personality. It later died down. Yomi called out, "Tomo, you can open you're eyes now." She did and Yomi's shining no more. The popstar saw that she is wearing what looked like cape and a MMORPG fantasy dominatrix suit. It looked like a sort of skimpy black leather bikini with the top being little more than a shapely tube covering and supporting her bust. Two leather 'suspenders' run from front to back connecting the 'band' with the briefs and a collar around her neck. She wore thigh-high boots with high heels, linked to a garter belt on her slim waist with belted straps. Her gloves reached up to the elbows. Her entire attire is decorated with a motif of skulls, bones and spider webs, and whatever scary fantasy thing you could think of from your stereotypical RPG. She looks pretty, naughty and scary, all at the same time. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped in awe. She slowly said, "I didn't know you trimmed down lately."

"Oh this, "remarked Yomi, "I got this when I…passed away."

"OH SHIT, YOU DIED?" Tomo flipped out.

"Oh yes," she replied cheerily, "But death wasn't that bad. Look at me now."

Tomo got scared to death; she didn't her friend is-or was-long dead, not to mention standing right in front of her. Now she looks over at Tomo with a smile.

"So what really brings you here?" She smiles and chuckles nervously.

"Debt collecting. And you think I'm from the IRS." She mused.

"Or the Swiss, he-he." She replied, fear in her voice. Yomi continues, smiling as though she sensed the fear in Tomo's heart, "I'm on a deadline here but it's still far away to say the least."

"So your here for a visit? What's your job description?"

Yomi moves behind her and whispers into Tomo's ear, "I collect souls."

"YOU WHAT!"

"Yes I do. I'm a grim reaper and your soul's long overdue." Tomo quickly turned back but Yomi quickly vanshed.

"Yomi?" She asked, now shaking from fear and her mind spinning in confusion. "I'm here." She replied, just a few feet in front of her.

"AHHH!" She shreiked. Yomi laughed softly like a little girl, amused by her friend's fright.

"What! My time is now!" The popstar whimpered.

"Oh yes, definitely." She produced a clipholder and pen from her cape which contains a list of people including Micheal Bay, Dick Cheney, Eric Cartman, Haruhi Suzumiya, Lindsay Lohan, and much more. All of them have check marks in the boxes-except for one. She traces down the list. A wicked smile forms on her face.

"Take a peek." She handed the clipboard to her freind. Tension builds up as she takes it. At the very bottom of the list, she looked at an empty check box with a name next to it: _Takino, Tomo_. She sweatdropped and gulped in fright. Yomi took it back with her gloved hands. Yomi said smiling, "You know what I mean by 'debt collection', my dear friend?"

"You take souls?" Tomo glumly replied.

"Good girl. In fact," she quickly and gracefully got behind her again," it is said that life is merely a debt to nature, not a gift. You owe me so let's cut the chitchat and call it a night." She moves back in front of her. She then takes out a long cane out of her cape and cradles it like a child.

"What's that?" Tomo asked.

"Oh, it's my multi-tool." She frowned, "Or what you unsubtle mortals called a scythe." She holds it upright; presses a switch on back with her thumb and out flips the blade.

"EEEEEPPPPP!" Tomo screeched. Yomi starts approaching her; her high-heeled boots making a discomforting sound. The popstar quickly climbed from her chair and bolted for the door. She reached for it but was blocked by the sexy grim reaper, who appeared in front of her in a blur. She is smiling menacingly at Tomo. She ran for the window but she stumbled on her chair. She crawled for the window but Yomi blocked her again. Tomo shook with dread as her erstwhile reaper friend is about to chop off her head. Her eyes are moving back and fro as if to look for a way to escape but she was losing heart very fast.

"No hard feelings, my best friend." Yomi said as she prepared to dispatch Tomo to the afterlife, "Any last words?"

Tomo went up to her knees and started pleading weepingly, "Please Yomi! Don't take my life! I wanna live on! I haven't even turned sixty yet!"

The hot grim reaper lowered her weapon, "Oh. Why didn't you say so?"

"What!" Tomo asked in suprise.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you about this one. You can now beseech a grim reaper to extend your life with the brand new Life Extension Installment Plan. You can extend your life on this contract." Yomi takes a piece of paper out of her cape. The stunned wildcat looked at it, "You..mean you can..."

"Yes, Tomo. My boss will vouch for this." Yomi reassured her.

Tomo asked suspiciously, "It doesn't say I have to lose my soul, right?"

"Of course. All you have to do is to sign your name on the dotted line here..." She points a finger on the lower part of the contract, "And what you have here-"

"DEAL!" Tomo yelled happily as she grabbed her pen and started signing her name. She was relieved that she got a new lease on life. "Thanks, Yomi! I thought you'd never give me a second chance, especially looking back to our rough-andtunble times together!"

"Um, I was going to say-" Yomi tried to add.

"Don't be modest, my dear friend! I know you always have a soft spot for me! And for that I congratulate you!" She impulsively cut in, shaking Yomi's hand with both her hands. Yomi was going to say something but she decided not to, since her schedule is quiet demanding.

"I have to go, Tomo. My list includes a dozen or so people waiting to be harvested."

"Au revoir, Yomi!" The popstar bade her farewell and closing her eyes smiling, "Good luck in reaping souls." But she opened her eyes, the reaper's gone. She felt a chill down her spine. Her best friend just disappeared like that. Five seconds later, she blew a puff of air in relief. _Maybe Yomi has a tight schedule_, she thought comfortably. She then said aloud, "It's nice to have a friend like her!"

_Eight months later..._

"Beautiful! Beautiful!" exclaimed the photographer as he clicked his camera_._ Tomo posed nicely in various clothes at the studio. Her pictorial for a fashion magazine is doing really well. She really felt adored as she made from one pose to another. Everyone took a break while the photos are being developed.

"You were awesome, Miss Takino! Not awesome! Stupendous!" Exclaimed fashion designer and founder of the mag Stephano Gustelli, "This is truly art and you were the Venus of my latest creation!"

"Oh, it's the least that I can do, Mr Gustelli," Tomo said modestly, "This is for my fans." She takes swig from a bottle of mineral water. The photographs came in shortly. Gustelli announced to everyone in the studio, "Now here is the moment we've waiting for!"

"Oh boy! Let me see!" Tomo wanted to see the photos. Everyone gathered around to look at it. "It's here, everyone," Gustelli anounced, "It's..." His voice toned down to bepuzzlement as he looked.

"What's wrong, Mr Gustelli?" Asked a technician. The fashion designer gave him the pics. The guy got confused too. Then he passed it to everyone else. Tomo, the last person to get it asked, "What's wrong?" She got here answers when she looked at it. From behind each pose she made is her friend Yomi, in her fantasy-MMORPG dominatrix reaper uniform, making a sexy pose too-with her scythe. Tomo broke sweat in fright as she gave them back to Gustelli. _It's not my time yet_, she thought, _isn't it_?

The cameraman said in disbelief, "What? How'd she get here!"

"I don't know, " replies Gustelli, "But she has style!" His eyes widened in wonder at the woman, bespectacled and dressed in skimpy black. Another member of the crew turns to Tomo, "Excuse me Miss Takino, isn't she your friend from high school..." But Tomo fled for her room. She slammed the door and panted heavily. All sorts of thoughts ran through her head. _What the hell? It's not my time yet! I signed that damn contract! This sucks!_ Then something was missing all of a sudden,_ Where's my security!__  
_

A voice called out from behind her. Tomo let out a scream and fell on her back. She sees Yomi looking down on her, smiling creepily as usual. She said to her, "Hi Tomo."

"Hahaha, hi Yomi?" the wildcat chuckles nervously.

"Nice to meet you again, Tomo." She replied politely.

"W-where's my bodyguards, Osaka and Kagura, hehe?"

"Oh. They're off for a little vacation."

"What!" Tomo half screamed.

"Don't worry, Tomo, I set them for a nice getaway to the Bahamas, which I told them that Miss Takino feels they need a break so she gave them an all expnse paid trip. And along with other friends."

"But how!" At that the reaper erupted into a puff of smoke. Tomo coughed as the smoke cleared. What she saw made her eyes bulged. Yomi resembled the popstar in practically every detail. She then spoke in _her_ voice, "Hi Tomo. Like my new look?" The popstar could only mumble in confusion. At the Bahamas...

"Yeah! This is more like it!" Shouted Yukari as she steered the jet ski in the sunny sea. Nyamo was holding on to dear life as the reckless English teacher ramped up the speed. "Yukari, slow down!" She shouted over the noise.

Yukari replied, "How could you have fun when you've to be careful all the time!" She picked up the speed once again.

"AHHHHH~!" Nyamo held on more tightly. The jet ski was also pulling a banana boat with Chiyo, Chihiro and Kaorin riding on it. They all shouted in excitement as the boat swerved to and fro. Being pulled in turn is Kagura, who is waterskiing a la slalom with her usual toothy smile.

"This what I call a working vacation!" Kagura hollered. Kaorin replied, "I like it! And it was all thanks to to our best friend and superstar, Tomo!"

"I'll second that!" Added Chiyo. At the same time, being pulled by a cable branching away from Kagura is Osaka on a parasail. She looked around astounded with her wide-eyed stare and open mouth as she was flying for the first time(technically, it's not flying). "I can fly! For real! Thanks Tomo!"

At a yacht nearby is Masaaki, who is seating on the rear deck, fishing pole ready, magazine in hand and drinks on the table. He laid on deckchair wearing khaki shorts, a red hula shirt, sunlgasses and a Panama hat. With a relaxed sigh he said, "Ahh. This is the life." Back at the studio... Yomi turned back to her old self.

"It's time to get to business." She pulls out her Swiss scythe, ready to do business. She rasies to strike Tomo, who whimpers in fear, shook as Yomi is about to cut of her head. She had to the something. She's not ready to die. She decides to take her chances to do what is possibly the most insane thing in her life. Yomi is prepared to strike. She then swings the scythe at utmost speed. Tomo spings and shouts, "WAAAITTT!" The scythe stops on its track in split second.

"What is it, Tomo?" Yomi asked. She raises the scythe back from a crouching Tomo. The popstar opens an eye and sees her that Yomi has stopped on her tracks. Relieved, she slowly stands up. She does her best sad-eyed look and fall flat on the floor, "Please don't take me away, Yomi! I don't wanna die yet! There's still so much for me to do!" She begs sobbingly. She was hugging Yomi's boots like a lost relative.

Yomi got puzzled, "Didn't you signed the contract?"

At this, Tomo blinked her eyes in suprise and then quickly got to her feet. She looks at Yomi, "Oh yeah, sorry. I didn't know...Hey...WAIT A MINUTE?" She thrust an accusing finger at her. "You cheated me! You tricked me into signing that contract! No fair! I want that contract null and void!"

"What? It was never null and void. It states that both parties agreed to the deal. That means both you and me."

"Oh yeah! How come you appeared in only eight months!"

"Tomo, Tomo, Tomo," sighed Yomi, "You didn't read the contract before you signed, did you?" The popstar was stunned by those words. She spoke out feebly, "I...didn't?"

"You're still so airheaded," the reaper said dismissively, "The contract has a choice of lifespans to chose from." She picks up the contract from her cape and shows to Tomo, who took it and read it. She looks at all the usual stuff and sees the lifespan choices with empty check boxes. First choices is 20 years, followed by 30 to 40 to 50 years. Then there is the statement that when signed without a choice, a default eight month extension is made. Tomo slumped to floor after she finished reading, the contract slipping from her hand.

Yomi peers over and said, "Now. How about that nice transistion you've been waiting for?" At this Tomo looked glum. She couldn't say a word. She looks at Yomi again and begs futilely, "I don't wanna go yet."

"Oh Tomo. I know it's hard to accept but face it, you still have to go and I still have to collect you. That's how everything works. But I can make it a happy one for you."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"We Grim Reapers are empowered to make death the happiest moment of anybody's life. By any means neccesary" She has that smile that is both sexy and scary. Tomo gulped as her mind absorbed and analyzed the facts. She replied with wide eyes, "Are you a bi, Yomi?" There was a pause for a few seconds with only a few cicadas chirping in the background.

Yomi decided she had enough non sequiters for one night so she took out her scythe, "Okay, lets cut the chitchat and get to business." She strucked with swift grace but Tomo managed to dodge the blow entirely. As she did, her I-Pod fell to the floor and it went on, playing a Tata Young song(_Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy Me_ or _El Nino_, take your pick). It set the atmosphere as Yomi chased and slashed Tomo across the room. The popstar ran around like a true wildcat while the ever-smiling reaper slashed. Tomo threw all sorts of stuff at her in a vain attempt to delay her but Yomi always sliced them in half. They did a a pell mell variety of musical chairs at the couch, only no one sits down when the music stops, the music never stops at all and the loser either loses her prey or her head!

Yomi blocked her way and said, "Oh Tomo, I never saw you run this fast before."

"THE BETTER TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!" She shreiked as she ran to the otherside. Yomi blocked her again, "Don't be be so stressed out. You know we could do this all night."

Tomo screamed out loud as she ran to a corner. Yomi gracefully somersaulted over the chair. Tomo rolled over to reach the door but reaper landed in front of her. She's a bit coquettish, "Oh, your making this even more fun." Another scream and Tomo darted for an opening but it keeps repeating over and over again. Meanwhile, a knock on the door and came her manager, Mr Kimura, calling out to her, "Excuse me, Miss Takino. We need to discuss a few things for next week." The two girls turned heads.

Yomi smiled, "Oh, who's this naughty thing?" Kimura opened the door, clipboard in hand. He said, "Ah, Miss Takino. We have a press conference on your upcoming-"

_SLICE__!_

And Yomi instantly looped off his head. "Oh Mr. Kimura. Sorry to "_cut_" the conversation short." She let out a short giggle. She turned to Tomo, "Now, where are we..." But Tomo vanished from the spot and she instantly swooped out, leaving speed lines. She sighed, "Trying to do it the hard way...DIBS!" Meanwhile Tomo is acting like a scared little girl from _Fatal Frame II_, walking cautiously around the darker areas of the studio when she hears Yomi calling out to her. It made her hair stand on end. In fright, she looked around until she found a carboard box. "Perfect! She won't find me here!" She lifts it up and crawls under. Then came a sound.

Yomi is calling out to her friend in a sweet voice as her boots clapped on the floor, "_Oh Tomo, Tomo, Tomo. Where are you?_" She shivered like a wet cat, praying hard that the reaper wouldn't find her. That was exactly what she was doing. "Are you in here?" She said as she cut a garbage bin in half. Yomi frowned as she switched targets. Inside Tomo could hear slashing sounds, Yomi's scary and sexy voice, and of stuff falling, tumbling and breaking apart. Her fright soared to new heights. It seemed like eternity that this would go on before the inevitable takes place. Then silence. It stopped as fast as it had started. _Oh my God, she found me!_ Tomo crouched to a fetal position, her eyes shut and her ears waiting for the scythe to stike twice: one to split the box open and one to cut off her head. _Off with my head indeed_. It seemed that an hour had passed and nothing came. Tomo opened one eye. She slowly rose up a little to peer through the hole cut out for a handle on one side of the box. Her ears scanned around for the slightest noise. _Huh, she stopped?_ She felt tense knowing this might a trap. She stayed silent for two whole minutes. O_h boy! Yomi's gone somewhere else!_ She decided to make a getaway before the reaper finds her. And keeping the box seems like a good idea.

As Yomi was going to leave, her heightened perception of sound detected a slight shuffling noise. She slowly swung around and saw cardboard box moving by itself. It crawled like an ant, briefly stopping for a while, then moving again. Then it stopped. Yomi grinned, _Typical cliche', Tomo. You never really changed_. Inside, Tomo could hardly contain her giggling as she thought about cheating death literally in the form of her friend. Yomi silently approached it and lifted the box to see a Tomo trying hard not to laugh, her eyes closed and that oh so silly smile on her face. She said to her, "Conning me won't make your problems go away." At that Tomo cracked her eyes wide open. She looked around and, to her horror, knew that she isn't under a cardboard box anymore. Her eyes rolled around and she saw Yomi, standing behind her with scythe in hand. The reaper doesn't look very happy. Tomo a made an embarrassed smile.. "Hi Yomi? Metal Gear reference, hehe?"

"Very certainly the most overused trick. Still, it should've worked if you hadn't moved." Yomi replied with a slight hint of distaste. "Oh well, time to have some fun." She swifly raised it for the kill. Tomo screamed wide eyed and ran like Speedy Gonzalez. She rushed past suprised staff and bringing down random stuff in a vain effort to dodge Yomi. But reaper effortlessly and gracefully alternated between dodging stuff and slicing them with her scythe.

"Is that the best you could do?" Yomi mischievously taunted. Tomo ran faster and finally made a mad break for the backdoor. "I have to get to the parking lot before she ices me!"

Outside a large and rowdy crowd of people gathered around at the backdoor. They were carrying placards praising their idol, Tomo. It must have been a lot of hardcore fans for they look very anxious and nearly threatened to kill the security guards. They were all murmuring to each other when someone crashed through the door.

"THERE SHE IS! TOMO!" One of the fans shouted, pointing to the tired and panting figure. The place erupted in wild screaming and sheering. Tomo, not minding the fans, was searching around the throng for a way out. Then a call, "_Oh Tomo!_" She screamed and ran off. The fans where puzzled until Yomi showed up. One of them shouted, "Hey, who's that!" The throng was amazed when they saw Yomi. Another said, "What's she doing here?"

A female fan shouted, "She must be a part of Tomo's act! Oh my god, she's looks hot!" Then everyone started cheering and screaming. Yomi commented queitly, "I am indeed." She took out her scythe and raised it. They all went hysterical, they chanted, "FAN SERVICE! FAN SERVICE! FAN SERVICE!..." Yomi smiled and...

Tomo got to the parking lot just in time. She took her keys out of the pocket and revved up her motorcycle. "I gotta get outta here." She muttered hurriedly as she kicked the engine. She was going to move when Yomi pop out in front of her. "Hello again, Tomo."

"AAAAH! How'd you get here!" She shrieked.

"I reaped through your fans." She giggled.

"AAAARRGGGHHH!" Tomo floored the accelerator and tried to ram Yomi but Yomi did a quick full frontflip just as Tomo rushed in. She swiveled her way out of the studio and into the road. She said, "Whew! That was close."

"Hmmm, you might wanna rephrase that." Yomi joined in. Tomo swung her head and saw Yomi sitting at the back. She screamed and revved off, noting knowing if the reaper got off or not. She reached into the city. By that time everyone in the city saw. "There she is! tomo!" Everyone screamed. But the popstar is in no mood for celebrity show-off. The crowds aren't helping at all. They're impeding her movement and reducing her number of escape routes. The billboards are filled with ads featuring her and Yomi is jumping from rooftop to rooftop anime-style in pursuit of her prey. She spied her from above. She smiled creepily. _Tomo trapped by her own popularity...delicious._

"Miss Takino! Please sign my autograph!" Shouted one fan.

"Miss Tomo! Do your awesome moves!" Clamored another.

"No! Sign mine!" Yelled a third. They thronged around the freaked-out wild cat as she frantically searched for a way out. She feverishly budged through everyone when one person from the crowd stepped forward and said softly, "Miss Takino. This is for you."

She slowly turned to the man and gently took his cellphone. She grasped it against her ear, "Hello?" Her replie was...

_"You better run, run, run, run, run,_

_Cause there's gonna be some hell today_

_You better run, run, run, run, run..."_

Tomo realized it's Yomi singing the song _Run Devil Run. _And her singing voice has changed drastically. It was in perfect tune with the song.

_"You better run, run, run, run, run_

_Tomo, run, run, Tomo, run, run_

_Run, Tomo, Tomo, run, run."_ Realizing that she's around made her scream so loud that it echoed all over the world and the fear-ridden adreline shot up to new heights, giving her the energy to push her way out of the sea of humanity, sending anyone in front of her flying into the air-literally! She did olympic style sprints around the city as she avoided crowds of rabid fans. She had to dodge alaong the way a delivery truck full of lobsters, a sports car, a ten wheeler, a motorcycle, a group of marathon racers, a marching band, A SCUD Missile Launcher, an APC, an Army truck delivering munitions, a suicide bomber van, a technical, a Gundam, a Knightmare Frame and finally a meteor shower. After that she finally reached the alley. She took a breather. She panted heavily and rested her hands on her knees. "Thank God Yomi won't find me here," she muttered, "I can't run from her forever. Wait. I'll get of the country and go to the best and most discrete plastic surgeon in the world. Then I'll change my identity and live somewhere remote. Yeah, that's the best idea ever. She'll never find me."

"Not when I heard everything!" Yomi quipped.

"GYAHHH!" Tomo was stunned by her sudden appearance. "How'd you get here so fast!"

"Oh sorry, Tomo. Didn't mean to scare you. You made everything so fun. Too bad the hunt ended this short." She readied her scythe on one hand and made a slow approach. Tomo tried to move but she stumbled on something. She fell on her back. Yomi moved on.

"Please Yomi. Give me a second chance. Give me another contract. I promise to do good in my life. Oh please, Yomi, please. I'm sorry for making fun of you while you're still alive. You're my best friend." Tomo begged as hard as she could while she backed away but the reaper is not moved. "I'm sorry, Tomo. That contract's meant only for one use. You forfeited your life anyway when you signed the first one." She smiled.

"Oh man, this sucks." She moaned. Then she snapped, "What kind of guy would make a fatty like you reaper anyway-!" Tomo quickly realized her mistake just as soon as she said it, covering her mouth with her hands. Yomi stopped. Shefrowned with a dagger glare. "A fatty, huh?"

She chuckled abashedly, "Uh...I didn't really mean that." Yomi moved again. She raised her scythe up in the air with both hands. "C'mon, Yomi. Can't you take a joke. You're not fat. I mean you're sexy." The scythe's edge glinted menacingly. Tomo sweated hard. Yomi said, "Don't worry. Nothing personal," her tone became little scary, "Just. Business. Have fun in the afterlife."

"Yomi...Yomi...YOMI!" The blade fell and that's the end of popstar Tomo Takino. Or is it.

The moonlit sky above Japan was clear and beautiful. If an amatuer astronomer looked at the night sky right, he or she can see several figures flying in V-formation. At the head of of it is the deceased Tomo Takino. Just further in front of her is reaper Koyomi 'Yomi' Mizuhara. There was a question that bothered the wild cat. She asked Yomi, "You know, Yomi. How'd you became a reaper?

Yomi turned to her and gave her a Cheshire grin, "Sorry, it's classified in formation. It's against policy to tell the recently-departed about that one."

Tomo started to brood, "I see." At the distance, they see a rather familiar figure. Tomo looked over and was blown away: it's Miss Sakaki!

"Good evening, Miss Sakaki." Yomi chimed.

"Good evening, Yomi." Sakaki replied. Unlike, Yomi who was managing her souls by herding them in V-formation, Sakaki seemed to put her quota inside a huge net dragged by her pet Iriomote Cat, Maya, who had cute little bat wings on his back. Sakaki is also dressed in the same uniform as Yomi, only it's a little more modest coresponding to her voluptous and well-endowded figure. "How was your shift tonight?"

"All the usual, pucking 'em up and chasing the little strays. And look's like I brought home the bacon." She points to Tomo. Sakaki was mildly astounded, "Tomo, is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me! Tomo Takino!" She excitedly replied. "Popstar!" Sakaki smiled a little, "It's nice to meet you again."

"Yeah," Yomi added, "She's a real feisty one so I have to take her down. Real hard." She smiled naughtily at the expense of a frowning Tomo.

She ignored Yomi's comment and asked Sakaki, "Hey, Miss Sakaki. How do you became a reaper?" Sakaki replied, "I'm sorry, Tomo. I can't tell you."

"C'mon. It'll only be the two of us. Just whisper into my ear." She pointed to her ear. Sakaki didn't and replied, "No, Tomo. I can't."

Tomo moaned in despair. "I give up." Yomi turned to Sakaki. "Let's move it. We'll have our coffe in no time if we go early."

"Alright," she turned to Maya, "Come on, Maya. Let's go." The cat meowed its reply and started flapping the little bat wings. With her front paws, she tugged the net of souls. This and everyone else soared into the moonlight.

* * *

"Oh my God!" Tomo blurted as she got out of bed. "That was a close one." She looked around from her bed. _Man, I hope it never happened to me._ She was about to go back to sleep when she saw Chiyo standing beside her. She said, "You scared me Chiyo-chan. I didn't know you were there. So what brings?"

Chiyo answered cheerily, "Oh nothing. Just this." With that she suddenly took out a scythe from nowhere. Tomo nearly cried as her wide-open eyes scanned the oversized weapon being held by her grade-school aged pridigy classmate. "WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT?"

"Yomi gave it to me." She answered in that maddeningly helium voice. Tomo said rapidly, "You know, Chiyo. That thing's not a toy."

"Don't worry, Tomo. As they say, 'Revenge is a dish best served!'" She shreiked and Tomo screamed as the blade fell. She fell of her bed screaming. She woke up with a thud. "Huh?" She looked around scared. Everything she dreamed was total dementia. She a precaution looking around. Blowing a puff of air, she went back to bed-uneasily.

* * *

Who ever thought that fame lasts a lifetime, anyway. Not to mention a lifetime. PS, I'm not good with fashion as shown in this fic.

Up next, can Yukari live a life without alcohol? Find out on the next nightmare.


	4. A Very Freaky Happy Hour

**A Very Freaky Happy Hour**

I'm back for the game. Sorry it took a long time and this chapter should have been released during the new year. In this chapter my grammar has improved significantly. Now, Yukari fans, here is the chapter where your favorite drunken English teacher faces her worst nightmares: no booze! Kudos to Elred Bluegreen for helping me. And there will be some **Phineas and Ferb** in here.

* * *

The resident spastic, slovenly, and occasionally thought to be batshit insane language teacher Tanizaki Yukari went contentedly to bed to dream sweet dreams about getting drunk off her ass.

Of course, given that her thoughts usually seemed to revolve around drinking enough to induce alcohol poisoning on most working nights or consuming enough steak to make cattle go extinct, such a dream should not really be all that much of a shock.

That said, unlike most of her self indulgent fantasies, this one was about to go pretty far off the rails.

However, it started innocently enough. She woke up ready to start a new day, danced as she made her bed, made and ate breakfast (which amounted to nothing more than a leftover jelly doughnut, a bowl of cereal, and some coffee) and took a bath. Once this was done in less time than it usually took for her to do something stupid and childish, she hopped on her bike to make her way towards the school.

"Another day of teaching those little brats! I bet they're going to think it'll be just a simple quiz.", and as an evil grin crossed her face, she added darkly, "Think again! When I process their results, they'll be crying for the rest of the semester!"she said as she finished the last word, she punctuated her plans to make her long suffering class suffer even more with a hefty bit of laughter stolen from a Bond villain.

While doing so, she drove in front of a store window with a TV showing a sight so unbelievable it forced her to get off her bike and stare, wondering to herself, "_How in the world did this country elect a ten-year old girl to running the country?_"

In front of her was Chiyo Mihama, child genius, now elected Prime Minister of Japan. She was on the tube discussing her latest policy: alcohol consumption.

While Yukari pondered the illogic of electing a nation leader who wasn't even old enough to vote by a long shot, the screen she was watching this particular logic bomb explode on showed newly elected Prime Minister Chiyo Mihama who was currently in the Diet Building, announcing her first major policy decision to regulate the consumption of alcohol during the recession, which the intent to enforce sobriety because the shitty economy was causing people to stab each other over the national booze shortage..The planned legislation would limit the consumption of alcohol of every Japanese household for twelve years to one bottle a month.

"Yeah, yeah, so what? You're just a little kid," she drunkenly mocked her proposal, much to the unease of the restaurant's other patrons. They went back to sipping their beers and eating barbecue. Yukari continued on to mock Chiyo. "Blah-blah-blah, blaaah-blaaarggh... Booya!" She raised her glass in a mocking toast and drunkenly cackled.

Only time would tell if this measure would achieve the desired effect. However, oblivious to the law, Yukari showed up to work the next day not even hung over, because she was still roaring drunk from the previous night.

"Hello, everyone," she said in a slurred voice, "It's a great day to start tormenting all you little pencil pushers."

Before any of the students could react to her clear insobriety, two police officers revealed themselves from the very back of the classroom.

"Yep, looks like the Prime Minister's hunch was right," One of them remarked, "Let's just take a breathalyzer before we book her, to be on the safe side."

"Is there really any doubt she's wasted? I mean, LOOK AT HER!"

Indeed, Yukari was up at the chalkboard writing kanji that steadily turned into a repetition of 'beerbeerbeerhappyhour' or something to that effect, all while ranting on and on about how many people had been driving the wrong way on her way to work.

"Well, some people are just... egh, forget it." The first officer shook her head and led the way to the front of the classroom.

They approached her and asked her, "Excuse me, Miss Yukari. Would we like to have a few minutes?"

She instantly spun around and raged, "What the hell is it now? Can't you see that I'm busy..." She looked at them and was shocked to see that the two police officers were none other than Yomi and Kagura.

"What the hell are you guys doing in police uniform cosplay?" she asked leeringly, oblivious to their very real badges.

"We're not cosplaying, Miss Yukari. We're real police officers," Yomi replied.

She ignored that statement, "Hey, did you two beat up some cops or something?" she asked. The alcohol had likely damaged some wiring in her head this time.

Yomi groaned. "No. I was named Chief of Police for the Tokyo law enforcement by Prime Minister Mihama. And this is my Sheriff, Kagura."

"Ye, I know who you are..." Yukari nearly doubled over laughing, "I like this little game yer playing, it's cute! Really, it is, but you doing this whoole cop routine on me is just too funny!"

In the periphery of the room Tomo crossed her arms and huffed. "Hmph. Giving Yomi the cool jobs. I got stuck with waste management..."

"Oh, it's not so bad, Tomo." Osaka tried to console her friend, "It's still a real important position. You need to make sure people are managin' their waste."

"'Not so bad,' you and Sakaki are on her cabinet! What're _you_ saying?"

Kagura crossed her arms. "Well, sorry it had to come to this, Miss Yukari. You're under arrest for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, and violation of the Alcohol Control Act."

"What the hell are you talking about?" She ranted, "What the hell is this? Are you trying to piss me off?"

"No, Miss Yukari, if you remain calm and compose yourself," Yomi advised as she took Yukari's wrists behind her back and began to fasten the handcuffs, "The worst you'll get for these charges is about a week in confinement."

"Confinement?" Yukari's eyes shot open. With a start, she threw her arms out to the sides. "That means jail, right?"

"Yes it does, and we'd rather not add resisting arrest to those cha..." Kagura was cut off, as Yukari turned around and ran for what she thought was the door... although the sound of breaking glass and the two-story fall afterward reminded her that this wasn't the case. Caught up in the moment, Kagura bolted after her, nearly dropping out the window herself before she came to her senses and grabbled for the ledge.

"Get on the scanner, we've got a runner!" Yomi instructed, grabbing Kagura's arm and pulling her back into the building. They raced past students who had crowded around the classroom to see what all the commotion was about.

On the floor below, the mad English teacher jumped into her bicycle, unlocked the chain, and drove off into the street. She passed by a police car, which did not help with her problems. She jumped into city traffic where a police helicopter spotted her.

"Crap!" she swore when she looked up, "I need go to drive faster!" She put all her strength into pedaling some more, nearly hitting nearby pedestrians and creating a textbook example of BUI (biking under influence).

It wasn't long before the news traffic helicopter caught up with the chase, circling Yukari overhead with the police chopper as she desperately searched for shelter. Unfortunately for her, her drunken mind wasn't as sharp as it should be. Thousands of Tokyo residents watched, as the chase reached its climax, as Yukari dove for cover in the nearest building after having outmaneuvered police forces on the ground for almost an hour.

However, that building proved to be a very bad place to hide. That building was the Diet, the seat of the Japanese government. She looked around and noticed several men in suits going after her.

"Crap! It's the G-men!" She started to run and looked for a place to hide.

The building's security found her in one of the many offices in the building where, despite her best efforts, Yukari couldn't quite open up the copier enough to admit her.

"What the hell is she doing?" one of the security officers asked his colleague.

"She's trying... to get inside... the copy machine?" He answered.

"Why would she open the copier?"

"Because she's so drunk that she thinks she can hide inside of it," he answered wryly as the teacher struggled to fit herself 'inside'.

Then she heard a familiar voice in the next room. It sounded so cute and cheery. It discussed another session with a cacophony of voices. Then she went into black rage very quickly. She thought that she'd heard Chiyo Mihama inside.

Fortunately for her, it wouldn't take her too long to confirm this fact. The Diet's security, before taking her to a holding cell, brought Yukari directly to Prime Minister Mihama's boardroom first, holding her by the arms as they presented her to Chiyo.

"OK, What's the big idea this time, Chiyo?" Yukari demanded, "I'll fail you for the rest of your life, you hear me?"

Chiyo frowned, but retained her composure. "I'm sorry, Miss Yukari. I knew you'd be the first person to violate the new act I had passed. Additionally, it was illegal before then to come to a public school drunk."

"Don't pull this on me! I know what you're really up to! You're just trying to show me up! Just 'cause you're so smart, just showing that you don't NEED a teacher any more, you little BRAT!"

"Miss Yukari, it was the only way to prevent a disaster. Please try to understand, it's nothing against you personally." She seemed like she was about say some more, but refrained. "I can assure you that everything—"

"Oh really?" Yukari sang a bit, "Just cause you're cute and all doesn't mean you can ban people from being drunk."

"The recession and alcoholism are two good reasons not to get drunk. Temporarily at least."

"Then what the hell is anyone supposed to do without booze?" Yukari blurted out, "Watch Hamtaro all day?"

"People shouldn't be spending all of their money on alcohol. Not to mention the problems it creates within families. I know someone who experienced that firsthand." Chiyo looked down and closed her eyes. "I don't want to see you turnout the same way, Miss Yukari. I don't want to do this, but the law is the law now, and I'm not going to undermine my authority by making an exception. You can return to your job in a month's time, in the event that you're found guilty by the court."

"Stop talking like that!" Yukari screamed, as the Diet's security led her out of the boardroom. She barely noticed them pulling her away. She was focused on Chiyo the whole time. "I'll get you sooner or later."

"And I would like you to come for a very special occasion tomorrow," Chiyo added happily with a not-so-nice grin.

Before Yukari could retort, the doors of the boardroom closed in her face. As she was dragged into a paddy wagon, a wriggling Yukari screamed her head off as news cameras focused on her, "Wait till I get you Chiyo! You just wait—!"

_SLAM!_

The doors quickly closed up before she could say more. News cameras all focused on the vehicle as it drove off to dispose of the mad English teacher to who-knows-where.

Yukari found herself spending her first night in rehab awaiting trial with other 'party-goers.' Already in Chiyo's new regime, so many of them were stacked up in one place. The place itself was nestled at the edge of the woods and resembled an asylum. It had the atmosphere of an empty mausoleum-chapel in a deserted cemetery in the summer time. Its pasty white walls and the surroundings' windy climate reinforced the look.

"I can't believe it!" she raged, "that ungrateful little brat thinks that now she's Prime Minister, she can do whatever she waaants."

But some of the other inmates moaned at Yukari.

"You're not the only one," one said.

"My girlfriend left me," another whined, "they pulled me out of the bar!"

"I ate too much fruitcake," a third rang out. After that cacophony of voices of lost souls Yukari sank back to her bed, feeling miserable after being deprived of liquid joy for five hours straight. Her body shivered not from the cold but from the lack of booze. Then she dreamed of the time when they had spent their summer break at Chiyo's.

_Flashback..._

It was a fine midnight where not a creature stirred when Tomo decided to raid the fridge. She tipped-toed down the steps lest she wake up everyone. She opened it and found Yukari's treasure: a large bottle of Jack Daniel's.

"Bingo!" she chirped, "I found Yukari's precious. I'll try some of this stuff." She unscrewed the cork and chucked out a glass when Osaka appeared in the kitchen corridor.

"Hi ya, Tomo," she waved sunnily, "What'cha doing?"

Tomo's eyes popped wide open when she heard the voice of the worst thing that would ever happen to her that night, the airhead Osaka.

"Nothing, Osaka!" She jumped to attention. "Just fixing my myself a midnight snack." She then nervously chuckled.

"Oh, OK." Osaka nodded, opening the refrigerator. "Hey, didn't Miss Yukari leave some cheesecake in here or something last time?"

"Ugh... I don't remember," Tomo replied.

"Okay. I'll have a midnight snack," Osaka walked to the fridge but stopped short when she saw the ambrosia-colored bottle on the table. "Tomo..."

"What?" The wildcat raised an eyebrow.

"What is the bottle of cleaner doing in your hand?"

"Oh this," Tomo said dumbly, "this isn't cleaner fluid, it's Jack Daniel's. Wanna try?"

"Okay..." Osaka agreed, not even asking what it really was.

Three minutes later, they were already tipsy and laughing like maniacs, rolling around on the floor as the spirits got the better of them.

"Yomi can eat a bowl of curry the size of Moscow!" Tomo ranted drunkenly, "She'll probably bloat up into a puffball the size of the Pacific Ocean. Don't you agreeee?"

Osaka didn't answer for a while. In fact, she is SPACING OUT! While that's what she's normally prone to, the introduction of alcohol into her system had fueled her mind to think of things that were unimaginable beforehand.

"Let's go to Cuba..." Osaka finally said.

"What?" Tomo asked surprised.

What she didn't know was that Osaka had now transported herself to the Caribbean island, where Fidel Castro rides atop a cigar-smoking unicorn, where ponytail, flying Chiyo-chans migrate during the winter, where Naruto wears a pink ballerina costume during his ninja missions, where the cast of Bleach slide down rainbows, where pineapples are otakus and so much more.

"Captain Jack Sparrow is here..." Osaka said as she feebly waved her hands to the figure on the door. True enough, it was the infamous pirate from the movies. He looked slightly different from his appearance in the films. He wore a rainbow bandanna with red hearts, a frilly Jolly Roger lolita miniskirt, knee-length boxers with a straw hat Jolly Roger, and hiking boots.

"Good afternoon, lovely ladies, and esteemed gentlemen. My apologies for my tardiness. I needed to assume more...suitable...attire," he drunkenly apologized, swaying slightly to the left and the right.

"Who needs an apology when the party animal's here!" Tomo shouted at the top of her lungs.

"That's right, lassies!" he joined in, "Let's break out a bottle of rum for each of us!"

"Yay!" all three drunkenly cheered.

"And oh," Jack Sparrow added, "I have to call my friends on my Bananaphone." Everyone cheered even more as the pirate took out the banana-shaped cellphone. However...

The person they were talking to was actually Minamo Kurosawa, who looked visibly upset about their drinking spree since the entire kitchen was messed up from the aftermath their happy hour.

"Can someone explain to me why you're both drinking this?" she snapped, brandishing the bottle.

"Aye, aye, Cap'n..." Tomo took another huge swig. "Ne'er been better than I am right now, yes, yes..."

"Yooo, hooo-hooo and a bottle of Santa Claus," Osaka slowly sang, waving her still full glass.

"Oh, c'mon, Osaka!" Tomo wailed, emphatically throwing her arms and, by accident, her glass, into the air, "You haven't even had any yet!"

"I haven't? I'm just that good, aren't I?" she replied.

"What's going on, you guys?" Chiyo asked, standing next to Miss Kurosawa. The glass from Tomo's hand flung into Chiyo's head. "Ow!" she cried covering the top of her head, "My head hurts!"

"Okay," Nyamo said sternly, "you've had enough for today." Meanwhile, Kagura led a very sleepy Yukari into the kitchen. She was rubbing her eyes due to being jostled awake by the tomboy.

"What the hell's going on?" she moaned sleepily, "Is it breakfast already?"

"Yukari, you have a lot of explaining to do," Nyamo coldly stated.

"What's wrong, Nyamo?" Yukari asked wearily, "is it about your love life."

"It's not about my love life!" she snapped, "Look over here, you big drunk!" She pointed to the messed-up kitchen. Yukari noticed the wasted duo of Osaka and Tomo lying on the floor, swaying around.

"Oh...," she said plainly, "Osaka and Tomo are trying to cook breakfast."

"That's not it, Yukari!" Nyamo turned her around and gave her the bottle. "What's this bottle doing the fridge?"

"Oh that," she said sleepily, "that's my, my Jack Daniel's..." She stopped short of her explanation when she noticed only a tiny amount of the amber-colored liqueur left inside. Her eyes popped up like airbags. "WHAT THE HELL? WHO'S DRINKING MY PRECIOUS?" Her eyes locked onto the two bonklers trying to get up. "TOMO! OSAKA! YOU DRANK MY JACK DANIEL'S?" she growled at the top of her lungs, causing the entire house to vibrate.

Tomo suddenly noticed the large squid thing standing next to Jack Sparrow become enraged and violently raise its tentacles into the air. "Oh no!" Tomo shouted, "It's the Kraken!"

"Is that a Swedish version of Takoyaki?" Osaka noted.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Tomo warned, "It's a giant hentai octopus that raped the _Black Pearl_! And it's coming right for us!" They both screamed and ran all over the kitchen as an angry growling Yukari gave chase, waving her arms wildly in the air. Tomo climbed over the table while Osaka followed, only to fall as she tried. She crawled under the table but Yukari grabbed her legs. Osaka kicked back hitting her in the face before scuttling further underneath the table. Yukari got even more vicious and followed Osaka under. She got stuck. Too angry to even notice that; she roared and flipped the table over.

The two bonklers quickly crawled away as the Kraken Yukari pounced on them. She missed. She stood up to see the bonklers arm themselves with kitchen utensils. Tomo got a spatula while Osaka got a large wooden cooking spoon. Yukari stood up and was stunned by the two standing up to her.

"Prepare to be sushi, oh Kraken!" Tomo challenged, waving the spatula like a baton.

"Takoyaki, argh..." Osaka chimed, swinging the wooden spoon slowly in the air.

"Oh yeah!" Yukari growled, pissed off even more. She picked up a rolling pin. "I'll kick your asses back to the first grade!"

"Bring it on, arggh!" Tomo taunted with a delirious grin.

"ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Yukari roared again, "YOU'LL PAY FOR DRINKING MY PRECIOUS!"

Normally, Tomo should have run for her life if Yukari's that angry, but she's too intoxicated to run away. Instead, she and the mad teacher had a most epic 'sword' fight in Chiyo's summer home's kitchen. Osaka tried to help but always missed because she was too slow. Drunk or sober, Osaka would have no speed improvement. Everyone else was too shocked to do anything except Nyamo, who went on telling them to stop. They kept up their swashbuckling fight, crossing 'swords', jumping over the overturned table, and causing pots and pans to fall. But Yukari was gaining the upper hand. Tomo had to think of something before she was defeated by the hentai octopus. Then an idea lightbulbed into her head! She took out a Devil Fruit (which was actually a jawbreaker) from her pocket, said to grant powers or abilities to anyone who eats it. She held it up high like a torch.

"With this devil fruit," she said triumphantly, "I can defeat the Kraken—" But Yukari smacked it out of Tomo's hand with her rolling pin. It flew in front of Osaka's feet.

"Uhhhhh-ooooohhh..." Tomo moaned as the teacher's red eyes glared menacingly before she was about to whack the wildcat for good. (what does that mean?)

Meanwhile... Osaka stared at the odd-colored ball near her feet. It looked very pretty. And she was curious since it looked pretty, it should taste good too. With her almost-permanent smile, she picked it up and examined it. It took like ten seconds for her to look at it. Then she swallowed it.

"Bleeaaargh~!" Osaka almost vomited before slowly taking it in. Her eyes strained with tears of agony from eating the sour candy. After swaying a while, she suddenly stood up with a great battle aura. Dramatic music played and she discovered a way to defeat the Kraken.

"I got it..." Osaka simply said. Then she waddled to pick up a carving fork. She then made her way like a crab to the Kraken, which was wiggling its tentacles in the air and was about to crush Tomo. She then stung its head with the fork.

"YEEEAAAOWWW!" Yukari hopped in pain as something stung her in the butt. She turned around and saw Osaka making a weird Lucky Star dance. Yukari fumed and yelled at her, "What's the big idea, Osaka?" The airhead didn't answer the big, fat octopus that sounded like Yukari. Then she shrieked at her face.

"Ahhhh~...!" Osaka shouted in fear as Yukari started chasing her around. The fork flew into the air and landed near the gas range – after cutting through the hose. Yukari's rolling pin, in the midst of her rage, flew out of her hand and knocked broke the light bulb in the ceiling. Osaka's feet tripped over a pan on the floor and she spun around falling on her back. The teacher loomed over her menacingly. She took the inebriated airhead by the collar and gritted her teeth, preparing to enact some payback for drinking her liquid joy. But...

Osaka threw up in her face. Yukari was stunned all of a sudden and dropped Osaka to the floor with a thud. She slowly backed away from her. Then Tomo threw up too...

... Onto the floor behind Yukari. As the teacher reared way, she stepped on the pool of vomit and slipped backward and hit the floor, hard. The trio groaned loudly as everyone gawked at the mess they had caused, which was now even worse than before. Nyamo saw Yukari lying flat in disbelief.

"Why is everything so blurry...?" Tomo moaned.

"My... stomach burns..." Osaka whimpered as she curled up in a ball.

"My precious... They drank my precious... And spewed everywhere!" Yukari chanted.

Deciding she had enough for today, Nyamo stepped forward. "Okay, you three. Playtime's over."

She turned to Kagura, "Kagura, lights up."

*CLICK*

_BOOM!_

A thunderous explosion occurred and a part of the house was consumed in a large mushroom cloud. When the smoked cleared, the gang stood up in disbelief as the entire kitchen was history, leaving nothing but a soot-covered wreck — except for the trio still lying on the floor, oblivious to anything but their own whining.

_Flashback over..._

Yukari woke from her trippy nightmare screaming. "AAAAHH!" She shot up from her bed, "that was the worst dream I had since my last hangover!" She then remembered Chiyo's words before she was sped away to this dump. _"And I would like you to come for a very special occasion tomorrow."_

"What does she mean by that?" Yukari growled. "I have to get out of here!" She tried to bust open her cell door but it would not budge, much more than a few inches. She then tried to karate kick the stubborn door when the loudspeaker in her room crackled to life.

"Good evening, Miss Yukari," it said with metallic cheeriness, "you are on your first night of rehab. I am Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz."

Yukari looked at the camera in her room. No doubt the this doctor was looking at her through that CCTV cam. She shouted at it, "Hey doctor! What the hell did you put me in here for? To have your own little strip show?"

"No I did not," replied the doctor, "I'm here on account of Prime Minister Mihama's recommendation."

"Recommendation for what?" she demanded, giving him the middle finger.

"My award-winning patented treatment for alcoholism," he replied cheerily.

"What? Watch Hamtaro all day?" She mocked.

"The Sound of Music."

"The movie?" She gasped mockingly, "Oh, I'm scared and my knees are shaking?"

"Nooo," he moaned, "it's a special treatment that I have devised for treating political dissidents in Iran and Venezuela. It is treating people through music."

"Huh?"

"I'll give you a demonstration." The TV in the room clicked on.

First was a clip featuring Yakov Smirnoff enjoying a bottle of Miller Lite. He said, "In America, you look for a party. In Soviet Russia, the party finds you." He aimed his finger jubilantly at Yukari.

"That's it?" She scoffed, "you'll have to do better than _that~_."

Then the next scene featured Chris Crocker. "Leave Britney alone!" he sobbed pathetically.

"Still not feeling anything~," Yukari sang.

Then it showed the Rickroll, "Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and desert you."

It only took a few seconds for Yukari to blurt out her feelings about the matter. "Ha! That's it! I think I'm cured! Oh... wait? I wanna drink again!" Yukari cackled until the Rickroll's Never Gonna Give You Up is replaced by with Danzen! Futari wa Pretty Cure. The moment she heard it, she felt her mind turn to liquid.

"OH SHIT! You're playing that Futa Ecchi Pretty Fucked-up Cure song! AAAAHHH!" The cute anime song wreaked havoc in Yukari's already weak psyche, considering the absence of alcoholic Dutch Courage in her system. Then the song played with a medley of Rickroll dancing, Smirnoff Miller Lites, and Leave Britney Alones flashing on the screen together with a dash of Rena's Uso da every now and then. Yukari was finally screaming her head off. She couldn't believe she was listening and watching all of this. She frantically rolled about on the floor, covering her ears and screaming madly.

As for Doofenschmirtz...

He danced happily and very badly, knowing that a phase of his plan for world domination is nearing completion. "Yes," he said, "Yes! Now my plan for world domination is about to come true. Phase one involves turning 'rehabilitated' alcoholics into my puppets who will do my bidding. Then, Phase Two, a swift and decisive coup against Prime Minister Mihama's government! Then there's my plans for wrestling bacon from the meat industry!" He cackled loudly when a broken window disturbed him. He spun around and realized that it was his arch-nemesis, Perry the Platypus.

"What!" he shrieked, "You're here?"

But Perry slammed his foot into his groin, causing him to kneel in pain. Then he gave a sucker punch to his nose, knocking him on his back. The evil doctor jumped back, trying to do a poor rendition of kung-fu fighting but he stepped on a banana peel, backflipped, and accidentally pressed a button that released the prisoners.

While Yukari was still suffering from the zany mind rape of a crappy video montage, she saw the door open by itself. She looked into and it was like the light which we see during a near death experience. She walked into it, feeling she'll be in drunken heaven...

... She found herself in the corridor with other inmates. They all looked at her like zombies.

"What's going on?" Rock Lee asked, his voice slurred. That meant he was a recent arrival to this alcohol-free gulag.

"I don't know," said Margery Daw from Shakugan no Shana, "but everythings seeeeeems veeerry differentttt..."

"Who cares," Yukari scoffed when some muscular male nurses arrive to keep the inmates in line. They looked like football thugs who entered the wrong line of work.

"All inmates," said one of the nurses with what looked like a forced smile hiding some constipated rage, "please go back to your cells while we sort out these troubles."

"Oh yeah," Yukari mocked, "Says who?"

"The director of this facility, Dr. Doofenschmirtz, says so." He replied with twitching eyes.

"Make me!" She flipped the bird at his face.

"I said that you should stay in the premises until further instructions," he politely replied, raising a stun gun. He clicked it on and it buzzed to life. But he made a big mistake: it's Yukari he's talking to.

Without warning, Yukari slammed her foot into his groin. Then he gave him a falcon punch that sent him into more nurses rushing up the stairs, knocking them around like bowling pins

"Score!" She pumped her fist into the air. Then more of them surrounded her.

"Okay, little lady," one of them growled, "your ass is grass!" They broke out switches (what are switches?) and stunsticks. But Yukari did some drunken kung-fu, beating those fat ladies into submission.

"What should we do?" asked one of the stunned inmates.

"I don't know..." Yukari replied, "look for bacon?"

"Bacon!" they yelled excitedly.

Yukari fumbled through one of the knocked-out guard's pockets and picked up a bunch of keys. Plagiarizing Reznov from Black Ops, she shouted, "This... Is Step 1!"

"Huh?" The crowd was nonplussed.

"Secure the kitchen!"

The building was filled with wild drunken cheering as the inmates began their 'revolution.' They wildly attacked the heavy-muscled male 'nurses,' ululating like emus (the bird. not the emos). Some of them slapped effeminately and rapidly and were easy to rebuff. Others tried to punch, swing and kick but most often missed and tripped. Others like Yukari fought like they learned their martial arts lessons from TV while... drunk.

The crazy fight scene straight out of Dr. Seuss on acid scared the rest of the muscle staff. Yukari lead the rest of her hung over rebels downstairs, inspiring them with her steps, which she made up along the way.

"Now, we take Vorkuta! What is Step 2?" She shouted as she ran like a sugar-hyped, little girl.

"Search for bacon!"

"3?"

"Eat bacon!"

"Step 4?"

Everyone was instantly silenced and stopped moving.

"Did you really think past step 3?" Yukiji Katsura from Hayate The Combat Butler asked.

"Nope," Rock Lee replied.

"You sure?"

"Yep."

Yukari then thought of Step 4, stroking her chin for a few seconds. Then the idea hatched. She shouted, "Step 4! Unleash the party!"

Everyone cheered and Zerg-rushed to the kitchen. More male 'nurses' arrived but they were pushed aside or trampled upon by the rampaging throng of 'party animals', the sounds of rushing feet, screaming, yelling and broken bones ensued. They broke open the kitchen doors, opened the pantries and raided the fridge. In addition to bacon, they found bottles of grape juice, ginger ale and other drinks meant to imitate wine and champagne. Nothing alcoholic much to their dismay.

"What?" Yukiji cried, "nothing to drink the bacon with?"

"That's not fair!" Rock Lee moaned, "how can we enjoy bacon without vodka?"

"Quite whining!" Yukari scolded, "let's drink this stuff while we still can! Bottle Fairies! Ready your dinner and eat hearty, for **tomorrow we drink **_**in hell!**_"

They all yelled wildly and ate and drank their hearts out. They created chaos all over the facility with their partying, causing the staff to run for their lives and scream like little ants on a violated anthill.

"No!" Doofenschmirtz shrieked ripping his hair off his head, "My plans have been ruined!" He turned to see Perry escaping on a jetpack and waved his fist at him, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus-" Then he was trampled by the crowd. As they did, Yukari spied a giant orange blimp passing over the facility's overhead window. It gave her an idea.

"Step 5!" She shouted, "Kill the birdie!" More frenzied cheering. Inside the blimp...

The two men looked very tired with bags under their eyes and five o'clock shadows on their faces. Conan O'Brien turned to the pilot next to him, "Well, we've been drifting for approximately, five months. I am bored, and I very badly need to use the restroom."

"Well, sorry, Conan." He replied, "This blimp wasn't built to cross the Pacific Ocean."

"I'm sorry to hear that, good buddy." Below...

"Hee! Haw! Hee! Haw!" The inmates were pulling a giant slingshot loaded with the Yukari-mobile.

"That's it!" Yukari ordered, "Pull it harder!" The inmates grunted as they exerted more effort. The blimp came into their sights. "Ready!... Aim!... FIRE!"

They let go so the giant, wrecked Toyota Corolla flew into the air and it glided to the blimp like a runaway train with a pothead for an engineer.

BOOM!

The Corolla hit like a meteor, rocking the blimp very badly. The pilot almost crapped his lunch into his pants. He cried, "We're hit! We're hit! I lost control!"

Conan looked down at the scene below. It was a rehab facility and the people there were having a wild Mardi Gras below. They raved at their achievement like they would if they had discovered fire from an elephant's ass. He told the pilot, "Don't bother. We're gonna land among a bunch of rioting drunks." The pilot's faced popped into surprise. Conan looked around the cockpit and noticed that it's starting to catch aflame, "And by the way," he added, "it's my pleasure to point out that we are now on fire."

"Oh," the pilot deadpanned. He looked at him, "It was a pleasure flying with you, sir."

"You too, buddy," he replied.

"High five!" they shouted in unison and high-fived as the blimp turned into a remake of the Hindenburg disaster, laughing madly as it hit ground.

The blimp turned into a pile of exploding wreckage. The drunks shouted even more and pumped their fists into the air as though as they had won the Superbowl.

"Step 6!" Yukari ordered flamboyantly, "Wield a fist of wood!" The rampaging hoard ran out of the facility and attacked the trees, ripping them to pieces to make melee weapons out of them. They did their work in the Arts & Crafts Room. Even with the lack of alcohol in their bloodstreams, their weapons were of poor quality, almost as though they're been kicked out of Andy Warhol's workshop. For example, one looked like a twisted spoon, another resembled Sgt. Keroro, and a third had Konota's face on the end. Still, Yukari was satisfied with her ragtag army of wasted rehab escapees.

"Step 7!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, "March to Tokyo!"

It was revolution! They fell in line and began to march cockily out of the facility when a large number of sirens blared. In the distance, they could see police cars, fire trucks and armored vans coming their way.

"AHHHHH!" The inmates instantly screamed and ran back inside. Yukari's face instantly turned pale as her "valiant army" of drunks quickly lost heart and ran for the nearby woods. The police rushed out of their vehicles to apprehend them. Yukari had to find a way to save her rapidly collapsing front. She sweated for seconds until another idea hit her.

"Hey, everyone~!" she hollered, waving her hand, "there's free booze in those trucks!"

"FREE BOOZE! HOORAY!" They instantly came back and charged at the vehicles at a thundering pace. The police screamed girlishly and dove behind their vehicles for cover.

"Let's get wasted!" Nagisa Furukawa bellowed. And she got in front of a large water cannon.

_FOOOOSH!_

She was swept away by the sudden blast of water. Then the other water cannons blasted at the inmates, who let out high-pitched squeals. Some of them really hated getting wet. Others... liked it. Yukari was able to sneak past the police and firemen. She then hijacked a police car, going from zero to ninety in 0.5.

"Step 8! Happy Hour!" She shrieked and drove past dozens of police officers and firemen, who got out of the lest they get roadkilled by the crazy teacher. She was happy to abandon her erstwhile-fellow inmates and to drove off to the rising sun cackling. She drove so fast that the people sent to quell the "uprising" were simply stunned- and were overwhelmed by the booze-thirsty crowd. She said in a thick Mexican accent, "We are going to Tokyo!" She turned on the radio and played _Born To Be Wild_.

She drove many miles, causing traffic accidents and nearly killing bystanders. She drove past a bottle crate at high speed, leaving a cloud of dust in her wake... then reversed at an even higher speed and popped out of the car. She swiped it in and inspected it. It was full of Tequila!

"Whoa!" She cried in excitement, "Today's my lucky day!" She placed it in the passenger seat, set up the seat belt, and went on a road rage. As she drove, she chugged one bottle after another, flinging the empty ones out the window.

In Tokyo...

A large crowd had assembled at the harbor. All around were spectators, newsmen, camera crews, and a large number of VIPs. Several large trucks began to pull in, as the onlookers watched anxiously. Inside the trucks were a couple hundred kegs' worth of all kinds of alcohol, from beer to whiskey and about everything in between. Most of it had been collected from violators of the new law, who had a surprising amount stashed in expectation of the law -but hadn't prepared for the crackdowns.

"Okay," Chiyo chirped through the microphones, "we're gonna show the world about how drastic sacrifices have to be made."

The "pre-game" ceremonies were fairly short, as Chiyo made a few statements on the economy, alcoholism, and her experiences on both subjects. Pushy reporters pestered her to elaborate on finer points of her speech, on which she'd clearly done some research. One reporter brought up rumors that Chiyo hadn't been born within Japan, and asked for comment. She said she wasn't sure how relevant this was to the issue at hand.

Even taken at a leisurely pace, the press conference ended abruptly, leaving Chiyo to announce the final plan — to dump the alcohol into Tokyo Bay, a decision that received a chorus of cheers from the primarily supportive crowd.

That crowd had no idea that their party was about to be summarily crashed.

Downtown; Yukari's stolen police car has crashed into many houses, stores and nearly killed some people. She plowed through malls, train stations, and what else was unlucky enough to find itself in her path. She turned on the radio and the news nearly killed her: Prime Minister Chiyo Mihama was going to dump thousands of tons of alcohol into Tokyo Bay.

She fumed drunkenly, "You little twerp! You're not dumping all of that under my watch!" She stepped on the gas and shot out into the street.

The trucks were lined up all along the dockyard. Then at the command of Chiyo's national security advisor, Sakaki, all the kegs were broken and torrents of booze flowed freely into the water like a waterfall. Newsmen pointed their cameras at the spectacle of flowing alcohol. Kaorin, Sakaki's aid, thought with great admiration, _you're sooo coool, Miss Sakaki_. She stared at her with dreamy eyes.

"So far, so good," Sakaki, supervising the proceedings, said to Chiyo.

"Good, Miss Sakaki," Chiyo said triumphantly, "this is a great wake-up for total national sobriety."

"So, no more happy hour for Yukari?" Osaka asked Chiyo.

"No," she pointed out, "not at all. In fact, she's in rehab as we speak."

"Oh man, I can't drink!" Tomo muttered.

"There's more to life then drinking, Tomo," Chiyo said darkly.

Osaka turned her head to some noises that sounded like screeching tires. "Hey," she pointed, "look at that."

In the horizon, great clouds of dust weve been kicked up by a police car that looked like it escaped from Fallujah, Iraq. It screeched wildly, dodging people and plowing into security men like bowling pins. Chiyo began to hyperventilate, remembering her time in the Yukari-mobile. Her face white with horror, she began to mutter incoherently, "Please... stop... Miss Yukari... please stop... Please stop... Do it properly... I'm sorry... I can't... I'm going to die!" Then she screamed, "GRAMPA! GRAMPA! RUN!" She almost fainted if Sakaki hadn't caught her. Kaorin also trembled with fright, remembering her ride with Yukari.

Tomo shouted excitedly, "Oh man! Yukari's badass!" Osaka simply moaned airily, remembering her time in Yukari's car.

The wrecked police car swerved around everywhere, causing people to scream and run for cover. It created chaos unmatched by any soccer game. It wrecked everything from to and fro like pinball machine. Then it powerslid its way right in front of Chiyo's cabinet, who promptly ran away except for her ex-classmates. The entire car was literally smoking and full of dents, dings and scratch marks, and whatever else was on the body. The teacher kicked the door out of the way. It flew and hit Mr. Kimura, who was taking pictures of Kaorin's slightly expanded bust from a tree. She jumped out of her seat, swaying drunkenly from all the Tequila she had taken in along the way.

"Youuuu, little braaat," she slurred, "What maaaakkkkkeees you think thaaat you have the rrrigghtt to dump all this alcohol into that seaaa?"

"Oh man!" Tomo jumped with joy, "Yukari's here!" She ran to Yukari like a little kid.

"What is it, Tooomooo?" She asked.

"Miss Yukari," the wildcat whined, "Chiyo's gonna dump all the booze into the sea."

"I know that," she snapped, her breath reeking of Tequila, "What do you want?"

"She won't give me booze—" But Tomo was cut off when Chiyo kicked her out of the way.

"Cease and desist, Yukari, this instant," the prodigy Prime Minister ordered, "I thought I put you away in rehab."

"That's what you think you little brat," she swayed some more waving her arms, "I broke out of rehab."

"How?"

"Viva la Revolucion!" she shrieked, "Alalalalalalalalala!" she ululated like Achmed from Family Guy (I think he's from Jeff Dunham). Then she sent a death glare at Chiyo, "Give me all that booze!"

"Never, Miss Yukari!" Chiyo firmly replied.

"I'll throw you into the sea!"

"Hold it, Yukari!" shouted a women in SWAT gear.

Yukari turned her head and said, "Kagura, what are you doing here?"

From a van, Yomi ordered through the radio, "If she harms the Prime Minister, you're cleared to engage."

"Step away from Miss Mihama, Yukari," Kagura warned with her gun trained on her. Deciding that abusing Chiyo wass not the best option, the mad teacher wobbled towards the nearest truck of booze like a crab, which was like two hundred meters, two hundred _long_ meters in her drunken state. "Hey! Where are you going!" Kagura yelled and gave chase.

While everyone felt it couldn't get any worst, something strange has stirred the bay. Some people noticed that the fish and sea mammals (seals, sea lions, whales and dolphins) were jumping in and out of the water like crazy. They had an odd smiles on their faces. Chiyo felt her skin crawl looking at the animals acting all crazy. Then Osaka said, "Look at all those crabs."

Before they knew it, a large group of lobsters and crabs gathered onshore and began marching up the docks. They climbed on board the nearest booze truck and ripped the kegs to shreds. They were drenched in the booze, which was exactly what they wanted. There was only one conclusion: they were drunk! They started rampaging all over the docks searching for free booze. Then some flying fish shot out of the water in schools with that same odd grin. In a few moments time, the city was engulfed with drunken crustaceans.

"ARRRRGGGH~!" Chiyo screamed, "Drunken crabs! They're everywhere!" The prime minister panicked at the sight of those creatures and the remaining cabinet members were promptly evacuated. More crustaceans came in a literal tidal wave, smashing their numbers onto the shore and more mayhem ensued as they headed inland.

"Got it!" Yukari grinned as she kicked the truck into action.

"Hold it right there!" Kagura warned.

"Hey, look behind you!" she chimed at her.

Kagura turned around, "What—" and was promptly buried by an avalanche of drunk seafood.

Yukari kicked into high gear and was now in the city, which was being terrorized by lobsters and crabs looking for alcohol. They were overturning cars, breaking shops and looking for any cache of liquid joy wherever it could be found. People ran for their lives as the police struggled helplessly against the seafood hoard. Yukari drove wildly, now happy to have an ample supply of booze in the back. Then she almost ran over something. She hopped out of the car and leaped for joy. It was a cute little snow crab.

"Alright!" She cheered, "I've got something to cook in beer!" She grabbed it and went back onboard. As she did, she heard several thuds in the back. She took one look at the rear view mirror and her eyes popped out. There were more snow crabs and they were tearing the barrels apart, licking the precious pale Pilsen nectar. She got out of the driver's seat leaving the truck driverless. She hopped into the back and challenged the crabs, "Hey, you! Get away from mah beer!" She swatted them away in vain. But crabs still kept on coming.

_CRASH!_

Yukari's truck plowed into a Carlsberg truck transporting more confiscated beer. She fell into a pile of potentially dangerous cans. Then she woke up to see all the crabs violating her beloved alcohol.

"NOOOOO!" she screamed so loudly that even the universe heard her.

* * *

Yukari woke screaming from her ordeal. She looked around her bed and sighed with relief.

"Wohoo~," she jumped up, "It's only a dream." She ran out of her room and down to the kitchen to search for booze. She turned on the lights to see a large cat creature near the sink— with her precious hoard of booze!

"Who the hell are you?" Yukari spat in rage.

"Good evening," he greeted in a great voice, "I'm Chiyo's father."

"What the hell do you want?"

"Drinking is bad," he then uncorked a bottle of wine and dumped it down the sink.

"What the hell are you doing!" Yukari shrieked, pulling her hair apart. "That's expensive shit I've saved for the new year!"

"Oh my God!" Chiyo-chichi said in a great voice. "Being drunk sure makes you miserable." He then had a great big laugh while Yukari screamed even more.

"ARRRRGGH!" She jolted out of bed and hit her face hard on the floor. She slowly got back up and muttered, "I should never drink alcohol before bed ever again."

* * *

Okay, now we know what Yukari like when all the booze of the world is banned. Now coming up next, Kagura, a love for pink and a new sports drink. Looking forward to the next nightmare? And for horror fans, don't forget to read two of my other stories, my controversial _Grimoire: The Lustbound Heart_ and an Azumanga Daioh-Highschool of the Dead crossover _For What It's Worth_.


	5. Kagura in Pink

**Kagura in Pink**

Hi, everyone. Here's another insane chapter from me. This involved Kagura turning to OOC, much to her own horror on the day of the sports fest. Inspired by the Brawndo and Powerthirst commercials of _Idiocracy_ and Jamesbondkid's Anti-Kagura. What kind of insane things Kagura is gonna dream then? Sorry to _Inception_ fans.

* * *

Kagura was walking home from school after swimming practice. It had been a tiring day for her so she had just passed by a convenience store, she decided to give herself a drink. She entered the store and noticed they have a new energy drink on sale, SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING. _Cool_, she thought, _I wanna try it._

Besides the store counter a TV played the commercial of the new drink, where the voice actor is delivering it rapidly in a really loud voice, almost like he was gonna kill his voice box and wear his mouth out at the same time.

"SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING! Energy drink for people that need gratuitous amounts of energy! It's so full of energy that it's like drinking a bottle of LSFM - liquefied shonen fighting manga! It's like riding a North Korean nuclear missile all the way to Pluto! Made with one hundred percent CONCENTRATED RAGE! That sounds dangerous, but it's not more dangerous than drinking SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING because drinking SHONENTHIRST is like Naruto, which probably sounds not dangerous except that your drinking his RASENGAN, which is five hundred feet in diameter and covered in super-hot solar flares! To drink it you need to the entire cast of _YuYu Hakusho_ struggling to pull your mouth wide open enough to let in an SUV, which is an actual sport in Afghanistan, which is extremely fun, but not as fun as drinking SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING because SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING is like driving a Formula One race car on steroids through playground full of annoying little kids and a retirement home full of war veterans with a rabid Haruhi Suzumiya biting your neck, which is a great way of becoming popular if you want to become popular with LAW ENFORCEMENT but if you don't, you should still drink SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING because it's really loud, and when I mean I mean tasty, it's like eating a Devil Fruit from _One Piece_, which would make you good in everything from romance, to homework, to yaoi, to fighter jet repair and maintenance, to solving the global economy but you can't swim! It comes in different flavors like grape, Scotch, orange, and cream lemon! Want strawberry? How about RAWBERRY! Which is strawberry mixed with REAL LIGHTNING! You'll have energy running all the time! And you'll run ABNORMALLY FAST! You'll be moving soo fast mother nature will be like S-L-O-W D-O-W-N! And you'll be like FUCK YOU and kick her in the face with your ENERGY LEGS! Which is like Chuck Norris taking on Sōsuke Aizen with just his middle finger and end the _Bleach_ anime PERMANENTLY with just one roundhouse kick! It's so full of energy that you'll believe Edward Elric, not Edward Cullen, transmutated it in his sleep while dreaming of sex with WINRY! You'll be needing new shoes from kicking everybody's ass all day long since you drink SHONENTHIRST! With that you can complete _Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2_ and _Call of Duty Black Ops_ on Veteran in under one minute WITH ALL ACHIEVEMENTS! And your power level will be OVER NINE BILLION! It will make you watch the movie _Inception_ and say that it's the biggest MINDFUCK in the WORLD!"

His rant is over.

She purchased a few bottles and went home. As she arrived, she did some workouts from a fitness tape.

"Boy, what a work out." She sighed with satisfaction. "Time to pop some juice." She twisted the cap off and drank to her hearts content. It tasted good!

"Wow! It taste wonderful!" She exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. Then her eyes popped open in surprise. She sounded girly.

"Uh-oh," she said in her normal voice. "I hope no one heard that." She played the fitness tape again. Her workout cycle was faster than before.

"Awesome! That's what I need for the sports fest tomorrow." She took out the tape and went back to the room for some dinner.

Next day...

Kagura woke from her sleep. The sun shone brightly and birds chirped happily. She yawned lazily as she stretched her arms upward. She shouted with joy. "Yay! Today's the sports fest." She jumped out of bed and inspected herself on the mirror.

"You look so passe'. Try to put on some make up and do your hair." She said to herself to in a girlish voice and giggled. She quickly covered her mouth with her hands, realizing she sounded girly. She then said to herself, thankfully in her normal voice. "I didn't say that, I didn't say that." She then tidied herself up and went down stairs to eat.

"Good morning, mom." Kagura greeted.

"Good morning, dear." She replied. "Breakfast is ready."

"Oh boy, breakfast!" Kagura shouted in joy and jumped on her seat. Arrayed on the table is a very heavy breakfast, necessary for her athletic lifestyle. She was about to spoon in some bacon and eggs when she felt something different. She looked at her food and felt a little repulsed.

"Is this breakfast?" She asked her mother in that girlish voice she heard herself speak this morning.

"Yes," her mother replied cheerily. Kagura looked back on her food.

"I don't know if I can eat something as oily as this. It's full of fats and causes pimples."

"What's that, Kagura?" Her mom asked, not quiet hearing it.

Snapping back to her former self, she hastily replied, "Uh! I mean, I'm starving." She ate her breakfast quickly and heartily. After that, she quickly got back upstairs. "Thanks for breakfast, mom." That left her mother wondering about Kagura.

At the bathroom, Kagura took a bath to stop thinking about her random voice and personality changes. As she did, she started to sing a girlish pop song. It felt fun singing that song until Kagura's mom called her. "What's taking you so long? You'll be late for school."

"Oh crap!" She muttered in her normal voice. She finished taking a bath and went to her room to change. After gearing up, she hurried out of her house and kissed her mom good bye. Along the way she said to herself, "Oh man! I need to get to the convenience store. I need to have some off that brand new energy drink before I go." She stopped by the store and bought some of the new energy drink. Along the way, she met Sakaki.

"Hey, Sakaki!" She shouted in joy, "It's great to see you."

"You too." She replied quietly. "What's up?"

"The sports fest is today," she chimed as they walked together. "And I'm ready for every event."

"You look quiet prepared."

"Yeah, I think it was those new energy drinks I brought yesterday." She smiled brightly.

"You mean those?" Sakaki pointed to the bottles of the drink sticking out of her bag.

"Yeah," she replied cheerily. "With this stuff, I'm ready for the sports fest as ever." She flashed a broad grin on her face.

"Oh," the taller girl simply said.

"So, you're ready for the sports fest?"

"I think so." She said simply.

"Yeah, I'm ready-" Kagura's voice became high-pitched and girly-"but I don't like to get all sweaty and stuff. I'd rather beat you in the beauty department." He giggled in that girly voice quickly, instantly covering her mouth upon realization. Her eyes popped open wide.

They were silent for a few minutes. Sakaki finally said, "Did you just say that?"

"No! No!" Kagura quickly denied, back in her normal voice again, waving her hands emphatically. This was the fourth time it happened to her this morning. She then changed the subject, "Let's get to school or were late."

She agreed and they moved fast on their feet to school. They arrived at school just as everyone was changing to their PE uniforms.

"Hello, Miss Sakaki," Chiyo greeted. "And you too, Miss Kagura. We're just in time for the sports fest."

"Oh, good morning, Chiyo-chan," Sakaki returned the complement. Meanwhile, two close friends are having an argument.

"Hey, Yomi," Tomo taunted, "there's no use hoping. I bet you can't do it~."

"Shut up," snapped Yomi as she changed into her PE uniform.

"But I doubt you can loose even a few pounds for during the entire sports fest," Tomo sang again, "you'll just raid the cafeteria after that."

"I won't do that this time," she grumbled as she adjusted her glasses.

"Prove it!" Tomo shrieked joyfully.

"I will!" Yomi tried to snatch Tomo, who jumped out of the way in a split second. Yomi growled as the wildcat hid behind Kagura. Sakaki and Chiyo sweatdropped

"Hey, what's going on?" She asked Tomo.

"Please hide me," she answered, "blubber butt's gonna kill me."

"I heard that!" Yomi shouted as she spotted Tomo.

"Eeeep!" Tomo cringed as Yomi approached her.

"Hey everyone, chill," Kagura mediated. Then She turned to Tomo with an angry look on her face. "Tomo. Are you making fat jokes about Yomi again?"

"No," said sweetly and innocently with a smile on her face. Yomi growled loudly, seething in rage from her 'friend's' blatant alibi.

"Come on, Tomo," Kagura said seriously, "knock it off."

"Come on, Kagura," she let out a shrill cry, "who couldn't notice Yomi's body? She can't 'knock it off', if you know what I mean." She made a sly wink.

"Grrrr." Yomi prepared to strangle the wildcat when Kagura did something out of the ordinary.

"You know..." The swim team girl studded her taller friend's hips and thigh for a while. "You're not fat but you do need to lose some pounds."

"What?" Yomo cried in surprise. Tomo snickered childishly, struggling to contain her laugh.

"It's true. Your hips are widening somewhat. Unless you plan to go Mediterranean you need to start getting your self back into shape." She let-out more of those high-pitched girlish giggles. Now everyone gave pasty blank-eyed stares at Kagura.

"What... do you mean?" Yomi asked dumbfounded.

"Just to tell," she went on like a girl, "you can do some light exercises like pilates or yoga and you can go on a a light diet, preferably the salad diet. Don't do strenuous exercises unless you wanna buff for a muscle building competition. It's _so_ gross for girls like you and me to have muscles and sweat a lot." More girlish laughter from Kagura. Everyone's mouths dropped to the floor in surprise. Did they just heard that from Kagura?

She stopped laughing abruptly the instant she realized what her voice sounded like, hastily covering her mouth. She then regarded her friends, her head turned slowly to look at them.

"Kagura?" Yomi asked, "Did you just say that?" Everything was awkwardly silent. Kagura could barely open her mouth in response. She couldn't believe she said something like that to her friends, and with a girly voice too.

"Miss Kagura, you sound different," Chiyo noted.

"She's right," Yomi observed too. "Is there anything wrong?"

"No, no, no, "she replied girlishly "there's like not a thing wrong with me?" More stunned and awkward silence.

"MPD Alert! MPD Alert!" Tomo chimed cheerfully. "Kagura, you sound like a girl. A real girl!"

She replied quickly in her normal voice, "I've gotta change!" She then swept past her friends, leaving dust and speed lines and disappeared into a row of lockers. As she left, most of the stunned girls just stood there, gawking nonplussed.

"I can't believe I heard that right..." Sakaki finally said. She never thought the tomboyish PE girl what say something like that.

"I couldn't believe it either," Yomi agreed. "Did she hit her head when she woke up or something?"

"I don't know," Chiyo said. Then she suggested, "Why don't we ask and then take her to the guidance office?"

"I think that sounds like a great idea," Yomi replied. At least they can help their friend that way. Then she looked around. "Hey? Where's Tomo?" The wildcat just vamoosed away to somewhere else. "Oh, man," she groaned and facepalmed, "Tomo's out to humiliate Kagura." Yomi and friends walked off to find them.

She caught her breath as she huddled in the safety of the lockers in another section of the girls' locker room. "What the hell did I just say back there?" Kagura is wondering if something's wrong with her. In just one morning, everything went from bad to worst. Her voice changed, she began speaking like a girl- and now, she's starting to act like one. She couldn't believe how she had giggled and said those words like a bubblehead. And right in front of her friends! She wanted to cry- oh wait, if she does, she'll cry like... a GIRL!

Just as she was about to sob, Tomo shrieked from behind her, "Hiya, Kagura!"

Kagura jumped to her, keeping her mouth closed so she didn't scream or blurt anything. She glared at Tomo. "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing," Tomo said playfully. "I'm just wondering." She wondered whether Tomo would cut to the chase about Kagura's strange behavior or will she just toy with her first like the wildcat she is.

"What?" The sporty girl demanded.

"Why do you sound like a girl a while ago?" She mewed bluntly.

"What!"

"You heard me," she smiled back at Kagura with puppy-dog eyes, "don't play dumb. Your voice sounded like Paris Hilton."

"I did not sound like Paris Hilton!" She snapped back at Tomo. "I just got got my head zapped from time to time. You know what it's like when your mom watches all those romantic comedies." She lied about the last part.

"Oh really? Denial!" She leaped to her right, startling Kagura. "You're just saying that 'cause you won't get in touch with your inner woman."

"Shut up!" She swiflty turned her back on Tomo, trying to ignore her.

"Come on, Kagura," she said to her, "why do you have to go in denial?"

"I said 'shut up'!" Kagura stalked off behind another row of lockers.

"Okay~," Tomo replied glumly, but she actually sounding like she was sad not to poke fun at Kagura, for the benefit of her friend's ears.

But Kagura peeked and saw Tomo is still there so she shouted to, "Hey! Is that Yomi with a guy?"

"What! Where!" Tomo ran off to find and annoy Yomi, wherever she is, forgetting instantly all about what she's doing.

During those few seconds, Kagura found her locker and proceeded to change but after getting rid of her school uniform, she realized something very startling- she was wearing pink underwear; very sexy ones too. Fanservice, anyone? "Oh my God!" Kagura screamed. "This is getting worst! What should I do, what should I do?" She shuffled her feet uneasily. Then Tomo reappeared, much to her horror.

"Ahh!" She whelped. "What the hell?"

"Where's Yomi, Kagura? You said she had a-" When she saw Kagura in sexy pink underwear, she squealed in delight. "Kagura? You're wearing that stuff? Oh boy!"

"Please, I have to explain-" She tried to talk some sense into her but she was cut off by the wildcat.

She cupped her hands around her mouth "Hey, you'll! Kagura is wearing pink-" Tomo got a whack on her head.

"I better get out of here," she muttered to herself. Then she picked up a bottle of the brand new sports drink. She grinned. "At least I still have this." She left the room in a hurry.

Meanwhile, her friends were sweeping one section of the locker room when they encountered a boy.

"Hey," Yomi said, "what are you doing here? This is the girls' locker room."

"Oh," the boy replied in a flighty voice. "I've come to the right place. Do you have extra bloomers?"

"What?" The girls asked in unison.

He giggled girlishly. "Oh, you don't. That's okay. It just feels a little airy in plain old PE shorts. You know it embarrasses me that much." He acted very differently too.

"Are you feeling, alright?" Sakaki asked quietly.

"'Alright?'" The boy cheered. "I feel super, thanks for asking."

"Why are you acting all girly and stuff?" Osaka asked absentmindedly.

"Oh you silly girls," he giggled, "I just got in touch with my feminine side." At which point the girls' jaws dropped to the floor, except Osaka, who just gave him a wide-eyed smiling stare. He skipped off happily, leaving the dumbstruck girls along in the room.

"Something weird's going on," Chiyo observed. "I think we should go out." They left the room and saw two more boys skipping effeminately across the hall.

"No," Yomi deadpanned, "that happens every day." Their eyes popped wide open and blank in white in surprise then they heard a moan from behind.

"Ow~," Tomo moaned as she rubbed her head, sore from Kagura's blow. "Hey guys, where's Kagura?"

"We don't know," they replied in unison.

"Oh man, that Kagura jumped me and knocked me on the head," she grumbled.

"You deserved it," Yomi observed wryly, her arms crossed in satisfaction.

"That's mean!" The wildcat whined. Then a bottle rolled before their feet. Curious, Osaka bent over and picked it up.

"Hey, this looks like the new energy drink in the commercials," she observed. In it said SHONENTHIRST LIGHTNING ENERGY DRINK.

Yomi picked and examined. "Yeah, it is. This is the latest craze."

Then the radio in a nearby classroom blurted loudly for them to hear. It made a report: "Breaking news! Manufacturer Azumanga Foods Corporation is recalling their latest line of drinks Shonenthirst Lightning Energy Drink due to the presence of estrogen-inducing chemicals. Authorities and the company independently have reported lab results that confirmed to the their findings. The recall is in effect today." At that moment, everyone instantly went pale in surprise. That's the stuff those two boys have been drinking and now they've turned gay.

"Oh my..." Yomi gasped. "Look's like the recall _came_ a little too late."

Then Sakaki remembered something. She ran into Kagura on her way to school. She was carrying bottles of the new drink in her bag. She told her friends, "We have to find Kagura."

"What? You mean Kagura has one of those too?" Yomi exclaimed. "We have to find her!" Everyone began to fanned out throughout the school building to stop their friend from drinking the crazy elixir before it's too late.

Kagura lined up for workout outside. She worked herself hard, apparently didn't notice the chaos lurking inside the school building. She pulled out a bottle and proudly said, "Yeah, baby! With these stuff, the sports fest is just a piece of cake." She unscrewed the cap, threw it away, chugged it all down.

Her friends appeared, bursting through the door. They were too late.

"Ah!" She gasped. "That hit's the spot!" Satisfied, she wiped her mouth with her arm and threw the bottle. Then Sakaki stepped forward in front of her.

"Kagura," she asked, "did you drink that?"

"Why, duh," Kagura smiled happily. "And it's blueberry."

"Kagura," Yomi cautioned, "we need you to come with us..."

"Why?" She raised her eyebrows. "What for?"

"That drink of yours," Sakaki answered for Yomi, "you don't know what it'll do to you."

"Oh too bad, Miss Sakaki," Kagura smiled at her, "because with that stuff I'm gonna beat you in every event of the sports fest." She then challenged the tall girl, "Hey, Miss Sakaki, I challenge you to every event of the sports fest!"

"Kagura," Sakaki pleaded, "please listen to us."

"Come on, Miss Sakaki. Don't try to run away from this-" She then heard a shriek that frightened her to her very core. It wasn't because of the sound of the shriek itself but rather the voice that uttered it: it was Tomo.

"Hiya, Kagura!" Tomo squealed again. A startled Kagura jumped to her feet.

"Hey," she snapped in a high-pitched voice. "That's so wrong to scare people like that-" She quickly covered her mouth.

"Hey guys," Tomo sang, "Kagura sounds like a real girl and she wears pink underwear."

"What! I do not!" Kagura snapped back. "And I don't sound like one you just describe-"

"Behold, everybody!" Tomo reached for her bloomers but Kagura swatted them away.

"Like I'm gonna striptease for everybody." Kagura growled. Then there was a loud noise outside. They fell silent. They all turned towards the door.

"Hey, what gives," Tomo as they ignored her, "don't you wanna to see her underwear?"

The gang pushed open to see a scene of crazy bedlam engulf the school. Everyone went out of the building and saw the chaos the school has became: all the boys are acting girly. Giggling filled the air and the boys are acting very flamboyant. Most the teachers are having trouble controlling them, trying keep them from being unruly and acting like stuck-up chicks. Some are running around the field waving their hands like their in a gay parade.

"What the hell is going!" Nyamo screamed as she grabbed and wrestled one boy to the ground.

"It's that goddamned sports drink that's causing all this, that's what!" Yukari shrieked as she tried to drive them to some random room with a pair of brooms.

With a chill running down her spine, Kagura finally realized to her horror why her friends are telling her to stop.

"Oh no... This can't be happening," she stammered, "it can't be true..." Then things changed for the worst. "I don't want to be girly girl." Unfortunately, the transformation was complete when she, in aninstant bipolar manner, suddenly sang Rebecca Black's crappy song _Friday. _

"Friday, Friday/Gotta get down on Friday/Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend/Friday, Friday/Gettin' down on-" she quickly covered her mouth the instant she realized she was singing a horrible song.

"You're a girl now, Kagura!" Tomo chimed happily. "A real one!"

Kagura shuddered at the wildcat's blunt comment. She just sang the worst song in the universe and now the effects are pronounced.

"It's oh so terrible," Kagurta shrieked and began crying. "I _cannot_ believe I turned into this!" She sank into her knees and cried. The girls looked at her and felt bad to see her turned into something _not_ herself.

"I feel bad for Miss Kagura..." Chiyo said sadly. "It's not like her to cry like that."

"Yeah, I agree," Yomi said.

Sakaki didn't say anything but she really felt sorry for Kagura, even more so than the others. To her she looked like a sad little cat that was left in the rain. Chiyo noticed Sakaki trembling and trying hard to cover her face with her hand.

"Miss Sakaki, is their anything wrong?" The cute genius asked.

"Now what?" the ex-tomboy cried. "It's like a nightmare at the JC Penny stand. Where the the price is three ninety-five instead four ninety-five." She wept loudly and everyone's faces instantly went pasty white. They expected a lot of things then but Kagura crying over the price of clothing merchandise? That's just outright screwed!

"I wonder what's the fuss about with Kagura?" Osaka asked, poking her through a hole on the ceiling. Her friends looked up and their mouths fell wide open.

"For once, that's NOT the weirdest thing that's happened to me today." Tomo remarked.

Osaka didn't seem to comprehend. "Whaddaya mean?" She asked. Her light weight only caused the sturdy ceiling panels to sag and creak a little, despite the fact they weren't designed to carry a person.

"Why are you up there, anyway?" Tomo continued.

"Why not?" Still oblivious. "I found a ventriloquist dummy up here, too. Look at this!" Osaka vanished for a second, before reemerging and dangling down a human skeleton. "It's kinda broken, I can't find the handle to move the mouth..."

Her friends eyes turned blank yet again at her morbid humor. Yomi asked, "Is that even a ventriloquist dummy?"

"Uh... Let me check," Osaka said, she inspected and replied. "Oh yeah, it's made of plastic."

"From what room did you get it?"

"The science lab," she chimed, "it's connected to the gym through the vent duct."

They were wondering about why is a vent duct connecting the lab and the ceiling of of the gym. "Why is connected to the gym ceiling?" Chiyoa asked.

"Because the architect was a Metal Gear Solid fan?" Tomo suggested. Disgusted, Yomi scoffed at the possibility.

"Who would play a stupid game like that?" She asked. Tomo, Osaka, Kagura, and surprisingly, Sakaki, all raised their hands. Even Chiyo raised her hand awkwardly.

"I... that is confusing. That is very confusing."

"I'll say." Said a nearby cardboard box. "There's a reason they stopped using air ducts."

"Why is everyone talking about how Osaka got to the ceiling instead of me? I'm turning into a socialite here," Kagura snapped in a screechy voice. The cardboard box, or whoever's inside it, sneaked away to nowhere.

"That's okay, Kagura," Tomo said sweetly to her now effeminate friend.

"Osaka, get down from there before you hurt..."

*THUD*

"Never mind." Yomi sighed. Unbothered, Osaka picked herself back up and dusted her shirt off with the skeleton's arm.

"Now, what," Kagura moaned, "I'm gonna be like this for the rest of my life. Is there some way I can get back to lil' ol' me?" She wept again.

"Why would you wanna go back when you can just _embrace_ change?" She cheered excitedly, spinning around like a ballerina. "Now you can do what all girls do like putting on make up, reading Vogue or having a boyfriend."

"I don't want that from you," The ex-tomboy shouted back at Tomo- girlishly, "I don't want this!"

"Don't deny, Kagura! Embrace change!" Tomo jumped happily.

Just as she said that, Kimura rushed through the doors of the gym. He shouted like crazy, "Kagura's a real girl now! Is it true?"

"Yup!" Tomo shouted thoughtlessly, pointed Kagura to him. "She's right here!"

Kagura was absolutely mortified! The most notorious teacher in the school suddenly appeared to check on her. Then he ninja-jumped into the air and appeared in front of Kagura, who quickly backed away in fear and landed on her butt. The teacher leered creepily as she looked at Kagura from head to foot. He then asked her, "Have you got in touched with your inner woman?"

"Oh yes, I did pretty much, it's so awesome-" She quickly regretted saying that.

"Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!" He danced in joy. "It's the happiest day in my life!"

Kagura quickly stood up and tried to kick him on the crotch but she missed and landed forward.

"It's great!" He ranted like crazy, "She's too girly to fight back!" He scooped her in his arms and carried her on his back.

"AHHH! She let me go, you sick weirdo!" She shrieked in fear, "Put me down this instant!"

"Never, my love!" He said romantically, which made it even more creepy. "You're no longer a girl but a real woman!"

He whistled and a black horse appeared out of nowhere, galloping right by Kimura's side. Things got freakier in an instant. Just as he was about to load her on the back, Kagura shouted, "Hey! Is that Kaorin over there?"

He whipped his head to the left and shouted, "What! Where? Where is Kaorin!" He still loves Kaorin very much. Kagura jumped of the horse and ran off, screaming girlishly.

Kimura whipped his back and saw Kagura trying to run. He shouted, "Wait for me, Kagura!" He mounted and rode on his creepy black horse. "Tallyhoo!"

"God!" Yomi shouted, "That creep's after Kagura! Get him!" The other girls followed her out the gym.

Kagura ran and ran but she wasn't doing so fast enough. The way she ran made her look like she's trying to get to the kitchen. She stopped and caught her breath.

"Oh God," she moaned, "I''m tired and I'm getting all sweaty and sticky. I hate the sports fest. Worse of all, there's a sexual pervert trying to come after me..." She turned her head to see something on the ground.

A bottle of Chanel.

"Oh my," Kagura squealed in joy, "Chanel!" She looked around to see if the owners around. She then bent over to pick it up. "I'm taking this stuff and I'm gonna try it out-"

A huge net fell all over her. Stunned and terrified, she looked around and saw to her horror Kimura in front of her. "Hi, Miss Kagura~" He greeted sweetly and flashed a grin.

"AHHHHHHH!" She screamed bloody murder.

"I know you wouldn't resist the lure of Chanel," he quipped. "But don't worry. You'll have a steady supply of it once we get to my castle!"

Thunder growled loudly and lightning streak as the sky darkened. Kagura let out a shrill shriek and frantically tried to tear to the net but she could barely tear the fabric, partly do to her lessened strength and her girlish demeanor.

Kimura picked up one end of the huge net and began dragging it. "I'll let you out once when we get back. It'll be a rough ride so-"

Then a throng of boys popped out. "Did someone say Chanel?" One of them asked.

"Where is it? Where's the Chanel? I must have it, the most 'in' thing in fashion!" Another looked around.

"Here's the Chanel!" Kagura cheered and waved it in the air.

The boys craned their heads to see and went wild. "Please, give it to me! I want it! I deserve it!" They shouted frantically like seagulls in on Estrogen in a cocktail party, waving their hands frantically to catch it. Kagura threw it into Kimura's lap.

"Uh-oh..." He said simply as the boys turned their heads and their eyes popped wide with girlish envy.

"Get him!" One squealed. "He _has_ the Chanel!" They instantly jumped on him, trying to get the bottle of perfume.

"Arggh! Get of me! You're breaking my bones!" Kimura screamed desperately as the boys made made a mad scuffle to grab the precious elixir. Listening to Kimura scream was just the most satisfying thing in the world. Kagura would have savored it had it not been the for her growing femininity. "Oh. My. Gosh... she moaned. "If only I can get back to being normal again... I would enjoy the life I wanted..." Then her expression snapped into horror, "What, and go back to that smelly sweaty lifestyle? Uh-uh, no way I'm going to be some over-muscular butch girl. I like the way I am." Kagura was horrified to learn she said that, "What! Did I just say that?"

A spotlight flashed on her spot. She looked up and saw Tomo, grinning widely as usual.

"Wow, Kagura, I didn't know you had the courage to admit it?"

"Admit what?" she snapped girlishly.

"That you've come in terms to what you are," She jumped of the roof and slid down on a rope. "That you have embraced your inner woman!"

"NO!" She went down on her knees in despair.

"That's okay, Kagura," Tomo comforted. "Who needs a sports scholarship when you can go to modeling? I bet every agency would want you on their list."

Kagura was already weeping in despair. She then looked up with her wide, tear stained eyes and replied, "I don't want to go to modeling. I wanna return to myself."

"In that case, you can do painting with a special someone," Tomo opened a door from a nearby room.

It was Kimura.

"Miss Kagura," he laughed creepily, "you can join the art department. WITH ME!"

Kagura screamed in despair and terror while the creepy teacher laughed loudly, his guffaw reverberating throughout the school. Her world turned surreal and took a downward spiral into nowhere.

* * *

"Eyargggh!" She bolt up from her bed in surprise. She panted for a while and calmed down. "Oh my God... That was the weirdest dream I have. It's just a dream." But she turned around to see that she was lying down on a sofa, wearing a loose, flowing, Greek-inspired dress. She looked around to see she was in some temple ruins in a Mediterranean forest, just refurbished into neatness. But the craziest thing she was a man dressed like some French artist. Seating in front of a canvas with paints on one hand; a brush on the other and sporting a thin fake mustache was Kimura.

"Aaarrrghh!" She jumped to her feet. "What the hell are you doing here? What the hell am I doing here!"

"I just quit my job being a literature teacher and branched out into arts." He smiled happily.

"Go get a life!" She blurted.

"I do have a life," he replied. "You. You're PE prowess sculpted the most beautiful body to grace the world, ideal for the fine arts. Please seat down so I can finish my painting. After that, we can do some nudes on oil and watercolor." He laughed loudly yet again.

"NO!" Kagura screamed and kneeled once again in horror and despair.

"Ahh, much better, Miss Kagura. I like the tragedy motif your making."

She bolted up in fear and turned around apprehensively. She was back in her room. Nothing out of the ordinary. Next, she look beneath her blanket and sighed in relief that she wasn't wearing a Greek-style dress. The tomboy exclaimed, "If he's running the arts class, I'm not joining!" She pulled the covers over her head and went back to sleep - in fear.

* * *

HAHAHAHA! Kagura hates to turn into a girl. Next chapter would feature her favorite PE teacher, Minamo "Nyamo" Kurosawa. Please pay your daily dose of insanity with reviews. I feel I'm not feeling my best right now so suggestions are welcome.


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